Can I call you Kristen? Ms. Wiig? Kinky.
I know we've never met, but I'm hoping by the end of this letter you'll at least consider meeting me.
I just feel it in my heart, and my other spot, that I'm meant to have your babies. That probably came off a LITTLE WEIRD WHOOps didn't mean to hit the caps lock, but I think that with your history of making people laugh really hard and my history of seeing three of your movies and laughing really hard at two of them, we could really give this a go. Like a really solid love effort.
I realize you're dating that one guy who's an actor/writer/filmmaker/handsome and though he seems really dreamy, he's not unemployed like me. Yeah. I'm fairly certain that he doesn't drive a Buick like me either. And he probably doesn't even get excited when he finds new hairs on his body like I do. KaBOOM! What's up now?
Look, you're funny and all I'm saying is that we could go on a date and I could probably buy you a salad. Tops. After that, I think it would be great to do something free like go on a bike ride or maybe a drive in your car where we could talk about life. LIFE! Like how crazy life can get sometimes! Like, "It's so crazy that Kristen Wiig is driving me around right now and all I can think about is nachos."
I know this may seem a bit silly and convoluted but I just want you to know that if you're looking for a guy who's willing and able to vacuum and watch your television for you, I'm your man. I could do other stuff too, like talk about LIFE! O.K. Come back. I'm sorry. It's just that you are so beautiful and so smart and hilarious that it just makes me want to wait in line to shake your hand and freeze up and say nothing when I had an entire speech planned about how Bridesmaids made me laugh really really hard and meant so much to me while I got drunk and high alone.
So yeah, I like your style. And we should touch.
-Brad
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