Math Hates You 2

Me at the Blah Blah Blahg like to occasionally highlight a member of the community who has something to say. Me’d like to report that Todd, our last guest blahgger, is doing, um, well he hasn’t killed himself, yet, and he apologized for the vulgarity in his post. Me told him not to sweat it, that although it was quite awkward and inappropriate, it was no big thing. This week me present to you a special guest columnist, a friend of mine and a friend to us all. Please join me in welcoming Math!

Yeah, Well I Hate You Too

By: Mathematics

Hello, you fucks. This is Mathematics. But you all call me “Math”, since most of you can’t say  4-syllable words. Yeah, I’m the one everyone hates. Need proof? You seriously need proof? Here’s your fucking proof!: 

“If I have to divide one more Goddamn thing Imma kill a bitch.”

-Kyle Hansen, age 8, Eli, MN

“Anytime I hear ‘Pythagorean Theorem’ I like to imagine a python strangling Ms. Lindy.”

            -Makayla Watkins (age 13) in a txt message sent during math class, Nashville, TN

“Happy Easter, everyone! I want to let you all know that after I survive this year’s tax dealine I will be ending my life. Can you please pass the ham?”

            -Manuel Torres, 43-year-old accountant, Rochester, NY

“You slut! I have never loved you and if you keep making me do math you’re gonna find glass in your coffee.”

–Tyler Redding (age 6) to his mother at breakfast, St. Louis, MO

“How much is 20% of that? Fuck Math! Screw it. I’ll just give her 10%. She wasn’t that good, right?”

-Nearly every sloutch who has ever eaten out (and for the record, she was 30% good, 

            you lazy pricks)

How do I know people said this? Because I’m like Santa Claus, bitch. I hear everything! I see you when you’re sleeping (and it takes every fiber of my being not to slit your throats). I know when you’re awake. I know if you’ve been bad or good so be good for fuck’s sake, you whiney little cunts.

You’re damn right I’m angry. Why the hell wouldn’t I be? Here are a few scenarios that I have to deal with. Every time I see my doctor it’s, “Turn your head and cough. Whoops! Forgot the lubricant.” When I walk outside it’s, “Do you have some spare cha— Get the fuck off my sidewalk!” And every time I go to a liquor store to pick up my medicine it’s, “Hey you! Get the fuck outta my store, ya piece o’ shit!” 

I’ll be the first to admit that at some point in high school I become utterly useless. That happens with every old person. But there's not a single being besides myself that can say they’ve been involved in the production of nearly every man-made thing on this planet.

Without me, you wouldn’t be able to know how strong that mint shit is, the candy booze you’ve been sneaking into your coffee at work. Without me you wouldn’t be able to describe to your friends what size tits/cock that chick/boy you plowed has. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be able to read this stupid fucking blog!

Oh, I’m sorry! It’s apparently spelled “blahg.” I wasn’t aware that Brad needs to go fuck himself!

See, now that shit's funny. 

I’m sick of it, people. “Did you know you can write "BOOBS" on your calc by typing in 80085?” Fuck you. “So, when do I carry the one?” How are you still breathing? “Where do you put the apostrophe when the word ends with ‘s’?” Wrong fucking subject, ASSHOLE! 

Breathe. Breathe.

I Wonder what Wendy has been up to? 

Oh, just writing NYTimes bestsellers about me. 

Boom and boom. 

Ahhh, much better. 

Look, I’m not gonna bite. I’m not gonna steal your husband or bang your dog. And I’ve been shooting blanks for over 5,000 years so I can’t exactly knock up your daughter. I may not like you, you may not like me, but I'm here to help. The greatest lie anyone ever told to you wasn’t that you’re attractive, it’s that “Math is hard.” So forget that and let’s do this shit!

Not when you're my age.

Now if you don't mind, Imma go carry the onie (if you know what I’m saying),

-Mathematics

And for the record, take the total of the bill, move the decimal one place to the left and double that amount. There’s your 20-fucking-percent.






Alright! Thank you, Mathematics? Well folks, I really didn't see that one coming so I apologize for any offense it caused. Stay tuned for another guest blahg entry in the future. Hopefully, um, it's something for the whole family to enjoy! 




Did this blahg make you reconsider your sexuality? Wow, that's never happened before. You're welcome? On another note, if you enjoyed it, pass it along to a friend. And you can catch the Blahg's first guest guest column here.