Nickelback The Fuck Up!

(my first-ever demotivational poster, inspired by 
a conversation with friends)

"What's the worst band you can think of?" Thank you for asking, middle-aged man at the porn shop I would rather not talk to. Did you not see my nonverbals? My face that was trying to tell you "I'd rather die than speak to anyone right now"? Apparently not. But since you asked, sir, let me put down this stack of "Big Bush Monthly" so I can gesture wildly during my answer. 

Nickelback. Nickelback is by far the worst successful band on the planet. I'm not alone in this assessment. Many folks I have talked with, at porn shops and beyond, have agreed with me. 

"But Billboard Magazine said they were the "Band of the Decade" in 2010?" 


For a guy that clearly has an anal bead fetish, you know a hellova lot about Nickelback. 

"I wouldn't consider it a fetish. It's more of a hobby." 


Whatever. Could you at least stop sucking on them while I talk with you? Thank you.

Nickelback has done a really good job at selling records, at somehow convincing people that their music is not only worth a 10-second listen, an entire-song listen, but a repeated listen of an entire album after dropping $11.99. If it were up to me, they'd get rocks thrown at them at a concert in Portugal and quit after the second song. 

"That actually happened already." 

Seriously, dude! Take 'em out of your mouth. That really happened?


"Yeah. Pretty sure it's on YouTube." 

So, friends, and my sex addiction therapist, imagine my delight when I saw an article on ESPN about how fans of the Detroit Lions are asking someone, anyone to remove Nickelback from the halftime show at their Thanksgiving Day contest against the Green Bay Packers.

"This game is nationally televised," reads the Change.org petition written by a Michigan native and ticket holder to the game. "Do we really want the rest of the US to associate Detroit with Nickelback? Detroit is home to so many great musicians and they choose Nickelback?!?!?!" 


Go on. I'm listening.

"This is completely unfair to those of us who purchased tickets to the game. At least the people watching at home can mute their TVs." 

Boom! I told you, sir. Sir? SIR?! Someone call an ambulance! I think he's choking!

Detroit finally has a solid football team. They're 6-2, in second place in their division, this is the biggest game of their season against the division rival Packers who are in first place, and they pick Nickelback to play halftime? Muy mal.


Dear Detroit, 

We realize times are tough for you and have been for a very long time. Poverty, crime, and unemployment are all through the roof. And now that you have a morale boost brought on by your Lions, we're going to make your head vomit your brain out your ears with Nickelback's "Rock and Roll." But we're hoping that the ratings will be through the roof!


Sincerely, 


The "Shit On You When You're Down" Committee

                                                     -"Dude, got a great idea for the poster, dude. How
                                                             about we put the "B" backwards. You know,
                                                             emphysema the 'back' in our name."  
                                                     -"Dude. That's awesome!" 




"Why exactly do you dislike about Nickelback?" 


What?! You were just choking on some anal beads.

"I'm like a cockroach —emphasis on "cock". I never die."

My aren't you clever. And why am I still talking to you? It's embarrassing enough having to come in here to feed an addiction, but now I have to converse with other addicts? 

"You could always talk to the blowup dolls." 

And moving on! "What do I dislike about Nickelback?" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Two words: music & lyrics. 

Let's take their music first. Tis cookie-cutter crap. Take a good band, the best band: The Beatles. What makes them the best is that they first created some awesome pop rock. But THEN THEY GREW. And I'm not talking about the sudden growth in your pants when a woman has hers around her feet. 

I'm talking "grew" in the spiritual/intelectual/musical sense. They didn't just stick with the "Hard Days Night" format to paint record after record gold. They grew. They took chances. They experimented.

"You mean like "girl on girl" experimentation?" 

Dude, shut up. I'm trying to make a point. 

"Sorry." 

(So hot they turn the sky red)

The Beatles pushed the boundaries and made "ahead of their time" music. That's why they're the best, and why Nickelback is trash. 

Moving right along: their lyrics. 

From their moronically popular song, "Figured You Out":

I like your pants around your feet / I like the dirt that's on your knees / And I like the way you still say please / When you're looking up at me / You're like my favorite damn disease

And I love the places that we go / And I love the people that you know / And I love the way you can't say no / Too many long lines in a row / I love the powder on your nose.

"I love that song! What's so bad about it?" 


Put it back in your pants, man. Let me build my case first. 


"I don't have it out of my pants. Oh shit. Yes I do. My bad." 

 

"Hmmm, how can I work "pussy" into the refrain?"

And then there's this lyrical gold that lead singer Chad Kroeger showers onto his fans. Tis from their song "Something In Your Mouth":

You're ripping up the dance floor honey 
(you naughty woman) 
You shake your ass around for everyone 
(you're such a mover) 
I love the way you dance with everybody 
(the way you swing) 
And tease them all by sucking on your thumb 

You're so much cooler when you never pull it out
Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth

"I fucking love that song! Great guitar riff." 


You're an idiot. 


"So what's your problem with the lyrics?" 

They're degrading to women. They objectify women. It fortifies a belief that women are only good for pleasuring the eyes and dicks of men. It teaches young men that this behavior is not only appropriate, but awesome! It is neither. It's terrible and what's worse is that people buy it. Now if you'll excuse me, these magazines aren't going to buy itself. 

HOLY SHIT! "ANAL INTRUDERS, PART FUCK?!?! I love that movie! Great cinematography. 


If you enjoyed this blahg post then help end eardrum oppression by signing said petition. Not sure if it'll help anything, but what's the harm in adding your name? A Change.org petition that gained over 306,000 signatures caused Bank Of America to reverse their decision to charge their customers $5 / month for using their debit cards. And then there's the 14,000 signatures a California man received on his Change.org petition that caused Bank Of America to halt the repossession of his home. How neat is that? 

That's pretty neat! 

Txts to an Asshole 2

So yeah, I fuck with random people who txt me. So sue me. P.S. Please don't sue me. I can't even afford jelly that includes real strawberry bits. P.P.S. It's some coagulated bullshit they call "spread." P.P.P.S. Here's the latest installment of my reoccurring, "Txts to an Asshole." P.P.P.P.S If you'd like to read the other "Txts to an Asshole," take a long, hard

look into the mirror, you sick fuck. Then click long and hard and remember, only highbrow humor here, folks ;). 


Them on 11/1/2011 7:39pm: Hey
Me @ 7:47: what's shaking? 
Them @ 7:48: Nothing just chilling being bored looked for something to do
Me @ 7:52: Well you can start with my laundry
Them @ 7:54: Sike....What do I get in return
Me @ 8:03: You have 3 options of what you get in return: 
Them @ 8:04: What's that ?
Me @ 8:04: hepatitis a, b, or c
                  Or all of them. I kinda lost track of which ones I have
Them @ 8:16: I have xyz already help me fill the alphabet
Me @ 8:16: Well here's your chance. Do my fucking laundry!
Them @ 8:24: Alright be right there.
Me @ 8:26: Cool. It's in my hamper above my other hamper. Next to the other hamper. Hope you're not busy for the next couple of days. 
Them @ 8:28: I just throw them in a washer at the mat and come back in 30
Me @ 8:33: As long as you dry them by hand


The next day...


Me on 11/2 @ 4:51pm: Ahhh, hello? Came home last night and guess what wasn't done. My laundry! It wasn't even there. Where the hell did you put it?
Them @ 4:53: I didn't do anything with yo Iaundry I don't even know where you live
Me @ 4:53: So you lied to me!?!?!
Them @ 4:53: How did I lie ?
Me @ 5:03: You said you were gonna do my laundry and then my laundry is gone. I NEED SOCKS AND NOW I NEED TO GO BUY SOCKS THAT I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD!!!

(The missing socks in question look like this)

Them @ 5:04: Well I'm sorry I never got my hepatitis a, b, or c
Me @ 5:06: Well you have yourself to thank on that one. What the hell, man. Is this your thing? You just go around and lie to people? Lead em on and tell em yo gonna do their laundry? 
Them @ 5:07: No
Me @ 5:08:  I don't know if I can trust that answer. You clearly have a track record for lying.
Them @ 5:10: Okay
Me @ *****1:51am*****: Seriously, man! I can't sleep right now bcuz all I can think about is how I have no, absolutely no socks to wear tomorrow. And it's all thanks to YOU!!!
Them @ 8:36am: Wtf is all this bull shit about your laundry. I don't even do my own laundry
Me @ 1:16pm: So lemme get this straight: you said you'd do my laundry. My laundry disappears. And now ur trying to tell me you don't even do your own laundry? Bullocks! 
Me @ 1:19: Meanwhile I'm in sandals. There's snow on the ground, and I'm in sandals. It's November, and I'm in sandals. You're the culprit, here. 
Me @ 1:20: You owe me some socks. Plain and simple. 


No response?!?


Did u enjoy this blahg post? Then do me a favor n slap ur mouth. Really hard. Bcuz laughter = satan. But if u'd like 2 pass it along 2 some friends, maybe via Facebook & Twitter, so that ur friends can get a good dose of satan, by all means pass it along! 

Fuck you, Match.com!

Dear *************,

Thank you for submitting your profile to Match.com.

Unfortunately, we have rejected the profile submission due to the inclusion of language we deem inappropriate for our member community. If you are serious in your attempt to find a mutual match on our site, please revise your profile text and resubmit it following the instructions listed below…

An excerpt from the generic email I’ve gotten far too many times. It comes in my inbox because Match.com users can’t handle certain words. Some of them are minors and shouldn’t rea—WAIT, that’s complete bullshit. Everyone is of legal banging age. They all have credit cards. So you think they'd be able to handle phrases like “cum bubble”.

When I spread my lids and welcome this email into my eyes, I get all riled up.  But not the good riled up. Not the hot-for-teacher riled up I get anytime I hear Miss Othmar talk dirty to me.

No, not like that. No, I get aangrry. But let’s get to the point here, shall we? The pink and tender and ready-for-naughty point: the kind of words in my profile that make Match rejectulate all over my face.

Swears. But not crazy swears. Before the genesis of this blahg post I had never dropped the fuck-bomb in my "pick me!" page. Just shit like “shit” and “asshole.” Oh, and once I typed “cocaine.”

(PAUSE for reader to ask “Why the hell would he put “cocaine” in his dating profile?”)

 

Anyone who knows me is aware of my gutter mind and mouth. I admit this. I use all different kinds of blue to express myself. If you knew my extraordinary Catholic yet filthy-minded family you'd understand where it stems from. It’s who I am and how I giggle at the world and express my passion for certain things (like how cool chairs are! Double fucking cool!).

So in protest of Match.cum’s ripenisulous prohibitchin of certain whords, I wrote a slot of foul sintences and nailed them onto the “Abutt Me” sextion of my profile. And gash what! I’m going to share them with ewe!

Clitoris, as in “Family is extremely important to me. I love chillin’ with my favorite cousin Clitoris. He was screwed over by the semantic change of the word, but it meant something completely different when it was an old family name. Kinda like how the word 'gay' was commonly used to describe someone who is was happy. Now gay means sad.”

Cock ring, as in “I detest animal abuse, especially when roosters are placed in a cock ring to fight to the death.”

(SECOND PAUSE so reader can wonder if writer is ever going to explain the “cocaine” bomb)

Fuck, as in “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I’m awesome and you should date me!”

Boobies, as in “My favorite animals are Blue Footed Boobies. If you have a pair of them I would love to bury my face in them, or slide my rock-hard, cock-ringless penis them in between them in a vigorous thrusting motion.” See, not offensive in the least and it’s bullshit they don’t let me put it in there.

Bullshit, as in “The funniest thing that’s ever happened to me was when I was on a ranch in Montana trying to coerce a bull to fill a special bull condom with its bull-seed, and it proceeded to bullshit all over my face.” 

Cocaine, as in 

(THIRD PAUSE for "Really, guy? Really? You're gonna be asshole about it?")

Asshole, as in “I believe Jesus’s basic message boiled down to ‘Don’t be an asshole.’ I also often wonder if he ever got an itchy asshole.”

Pot, as in “I love gardening. Clitoris gave me a lovely pot to grow my pot in.”

Cunnilingus, as in “My hobbies include photography, writing, cunnilingus and scrap booking.”

Crack whore, as in “It feels so awkward writing about yourself in these things. Crack whore."

  

 

Now here’s where this blahg entry gets a really silly. I put the following sentences in my profile and they DIDN’T get rejected.

Breasts, as in “I like to shake it up in the bedroom by mixing food with sex, especially burying my face in a few chicken breasts that are in between her breasts.”

Heroin, as in “I am terrible at spelling, thought I don’t let it stop me from writing stories. A favorite protagonist of mine is a heroin that rescues drug addicts from their poison of choice: heroine.”

Fisting, as in “I love fisting, but only for the rights of those who don’t have a voice.”

Sluts, as in “The heroin in my latest story loves sluts.”

Testicles, as in “Hidden talents: being able to tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue, being able to do the splits, and having three testicles.”

To read another entry about my online dating adventures, click here.