Txts to an Asshole 2

So yeah, I fuck with random people who txt me. So sue me. P.S. Please don't sue me. I can't even afford jelly that includes real strawberry bits. P.P.S. It's some coagulated bullshit they call "spread." P.P.P.S. Here's the latest installment of my reoccurring, "Txts to an Asshole." P.P.P.P.S If you'd like to read the other "Txts to an Asshole," take a long, hard

look into the mirror, you sick fuck. Then click long and hard and remember, only highbrow humor here, folks ;). 


Them on 11/1/2011 7:39pm: Hey
Me @ 7:47: what's shaking? 
Them @ 7:48: Nothing just chilling being bored looked for something to do
Me @ 7:52: Well you can start with my laundry
Them @ 7:54: Sike....What do I get in return
Me @ 8:03: You have 3 options of what you get in return: 
Them @ 8:04: What's that ?
Me @ 8:04: hepatitis a, b, or c
                  Or all of them. I kinda lost track of which ones I have
Them @ 8:16: I have xyz already help me fill the alphabet
Me @ 8:16: Well here's your chance. Do my fucking laundry!
Them @ 8:24: Alright be right there.
Me @ 8:26: Cool. It's in my hamper above my other hamper. Next to the other hamper. Hope you're not busy for the next couple of days. 
Them @ 8:28: I just throw them in a washer at the mat and come back in 30
Me @ 8:33: As long as you dry them by hand


The next day...


Me on 11/2 @ 4:51pm: Ahhh, hello? Came home last night and guess what wasn't done. My laundry! It wasn't even there. Where the hell did you put it?
Them @ 4:53: I didn't do anything with yo Iaundry I don't even know where you live
Me @ 4:53: So you lied to me!?!?!
Them @ 4:53: How did I lie ?
Me @ 5:03: You said you were gonna do my laundry and then my laundry is gone. I NEED SOCKS AND NOW I NEED TO GO BUY SOCKS THAT I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD!!!

(The missing socks in question look like this)

Them @ 5:04: Well I'm sorry I never got my hepatitis a, b, or c
Me @ 5:06: Well you have yourself to thank on that one. What the hell, man. Is this your thing? You just go around and lie to people? Lead em on and tell em yo gonna do their laundry? 
Them @ 5:07: No
Me @ 5:08:  I don't know if I can trust that answer. You clearly have a track record for lying.
Them @ 5:10: Okay
Me @ *****1:51am*****: Seriously, man! I can't sleep right now bcuz all I can think about is how I have no, absolutely no socks to wear tomorrow. And it's all thanks to YOU!!!
Them @ 8:36am: Wtf is all this bull shit about your laundry. I don't even do my own laundry
Me @ 1:16pm: So lemme get this straight: you said you'd do my laundry. My laundry disappears. And now ur trying to tell me you don't even do your own laundry? Bullocks! 
Me @ 1:19: Meanwhile I'm in sandals. There's snow on the ground, and I'm in sandals. It's November, and I'm in sandals. You're the culprit, here. 
Me @ 1:20: You owe me some socks. Plain and simple. 


No response?!?


Did u enjoy this blahg post? Then do me a favor n slap ur mouth. Really hard. Bcuz laughter = satan. But if u'd like 2 pass it along 2 some friends, maybe via Facebook & Twitter, so that ur friends can get a good dose of satan, by all means pass it along! 

Fuck you, Match.com!

Dear *************,

Thank you for submitting your profile to Match.com.

Unfortunately, we have rejected the profile submission due to the inclusion of language we deem inappropriate for our member community. If you are serious in your attempt to find a mutual match on our site, please revise your profile text and resubmit it following the instructions listed below…

An excerpt from the generic email I’ve gotten far too many times. It comes in my inbox because Match.com users can’t handle certain words. Some of them are minors and shouldn’t rea—WAIT, that’s complete bullshit. Everyone is of legal banging age. They all have credit cards. So you think they'd be able to handle phrases like “cum bubble”.

When I spread my lids and welcome this email into my eyes, I get all riled up.  But not the good riled up. Not the hot-for-teacher riled up I get anytime I hear Miss Othmar talk dirty to me.

No, not like that. No, I get aangrry. But let’s get to the point here, shall we? The pink and tender and ready-for-naughty point: the kind of words in my profile that make Match rejectulate all over my face.

Swears. But not crazy swears. Before the genesis of this blahg post I had never dropped the fuck-bomb in my "pick me!" page. Just shit like “shit” and “asshole.” Oh, and once I typed “cocaine.”

(PAUSE for reader to ask “Why the hell would he put “cocaine” in his dating profile?”)

 

Anyone who knows me is aware of my gutter mind and mouth. I admit this. I use all different kinds of blue to express myself. If you knew my extraordinary Catholic yet filthy-minded family you'd understand where it stems from. It’s who I am and how I giggle at the world and express my passion for certain things (like how cool chairs are! Double fucking cool!).

So in protest of Match.cum’s ripenisulous prohibitchin of certain whords, I wrote a slot of foul sintences and nailed them onto the “Abutt Me” sextion of my profile. And gash what! I’m going to share them with ewe!

Clitoris, as in “Family is extremely important to me. I love chillin’ with my favorite cousin Clitoris. He was screwed over by the semantic change of the word, but it meant something completely different when it was an old family name. Kinda like how the word 'gay' was commonly used to describe someone who is was happy. Now gay means sad.”

Cock ring, as in “I detest animal abuse, especially when roosters are placed in a cock ring to fight to the death.”

(SECOND PAUSE so reader can wonder if writer is ever going to explain the “cocaine” bomb)

Fuck, as in “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I’m awesome and you should date me!”

Boobies, as in “My favorite animals are Blue Footed Boobies. If you have a pair of them I would love to bury my face in them, or slide my rock-hard, cock-ringless penis them in between them in a vigorous thrusting motion.” See, not offensive in the least and it’s bullshit they don’t let me put it in there.

Bullshit, as in “The funniest thing that’s ever happened to me was when I was on a ranch in Montana trying to coerce a bull to fill a special bull condom with its bull-seed, and it proceeded to bullshit all over my face.” 

Cocaine, as in 

(THIRD PAUSE for "Really, guy? Really? You're gonna be asshole about it?")

Asshole, as in “I believe Jesus’s basic message boiled down to ‘Don’t be an asshole.’ I also often wonder if he ever got an itchy asshole.”

Pot, as in “I love gardening. Clitoris gave me a lovely pot to grow my pot in.”

Cunnilingus, as in “My hobbies include photography, writing, cunnilingus and scrap booking.”

Crack whore, as in “It feels so awkward writing about yourself in these things. Crack whore."

  

 

Now here’s where this blahg entry gets a really silly. I put the following sentences in my profile and they DIDN’T get rejected.

Breasts, as in “I like to shake it up in the bedroom by mixing food with sex, especially burying my face in a few chicken breasts that are in between her breasts.”

Heroin, as in “I am terrible at spelling, thought I don’t let it stop me from writing stories. A favorite protagonist of mine is a heroin that rescues drug addicts from their poison of choice: heroine.”

Fisting, as in “I love fisting, but only for the rights of those who don’t have a voice.”

Sluts, as in “The heroin in my latest story loves sluts.”

Testicles, as in “Hidden talents: being able to tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue, being able to do the splits, and having three testicles.”

To read another entry about my online dating adventures, click here. 

An Open Letter to Kristen Wiig

 

Dear Kristen,

Can I call you Kristen? Ms. Wiig? Kinky.

I know we've never met, but I'm hoping by the end of this letter you'll at least consider meeting me.

I just feel it in my heart, and my other spot, that I'm meant to have your babies. That probably came off a LITTLE WEIRD WHOOps didn't mean to hit the caps lock, but I think that with your history of making people laugh really hard and my history of seeing three of your movies and laughing really hard at two of them, we could really give this a go. Like a really solid love effort.

I realize you're dating that one guy who's an actor/writer/filmmaker/handsome and though he seems really dreamy, he's not unemployed like me. Yeah. I'm fairly certain that he doesn't drive a Buick like me either. And he probably doesn't even get excited when he finds new hairs on his body like I do. KaBOOM! What's up now?

Look, you're funny and all I'm saying is that we could go on a date and I could probably buy you a salad. Tops. After that, I think it would be great to do something free like go on a bike ride or maybe a drive in your car where we could talk about life. LIFE! Like how crazy life can get sometimes! Like, "It's so crazy that Kristen Wiig is driving me around right now and all I can think about is nachos."

I know this may seem a bit silly and convoluted but I just want you to know that if you're looking for a guy who's willing and able to vacuum and watch your television for you, I'm your man. I could do other stuff too, like talk about LIFE! O.K. Come back. I'm sorry. It's just that you are so beautiful and so smart and hilarious that it just makes me want to wait in line to shake your hand and freeze up and say nothing when I had an entire speech planned about how Bridesmaids made me laugh really really hard and meant so much to me while I got drunk and high alone.

So yeah, I like your style. And we should touch.

-Brad