Dear *************,
Thank you for submitting your profile to Match.com.
Unfortunately, we have rejected the profile submission due
to the inclusion of language we deem inappropriate for our member community. If
you are serious in your attempt to find a mutual match on our site, please
revise your profile text and resubmit it following the instructions listed
below…
An excerpt from the generic email I’ve gotten far
too many times. It comes in my inbox because Match.com users can’t handle
certain words. Some of them are minors and shouldn’t rea—WAIT, that’s complete
bullshit. Everyone is of legal banging age. They all have credit cards. So you think they'd be able to handle phrases like “cum bubble”.
When I spread my lids and welcome this email into my eyes, I
get all riled up. But not the good
riled up. Not the hot-for-teacher riled up I get anytime I hear Miss Othmar talk dirty to me.
No, not like that. No, I get aangrry. But let’s get to the point here, shall we? The pink and
tender and ready-for-naughty point: the kind of words in my profile that
make Match rejectulate all over my face.
Swears. But not crazy swears. Before the genesis of this
blahg post I had never dropped the fuck-bomb in my "pick me!" page. Just shit like “shit” and
“asshole.” Oh, and once I typed “cocaine.”
(PAUSE for reader to ask “Why the hell would he put
“cocaine” in his dating profile?”)
Anyone who knows me is aware of my gutter mind and mouth. I
admit this. I use all different kinds of blue to express myself. If you
knew my extraordinary Catholic yet filthy-minded family you'd understand where it
stems from. It’s who I am and how I giggle at the world and express my passion
for certain things (like how cool chairs are! Double fucking cool!).
So in protest of Match.cum’s ripenisulous prohibitchin of
certain whords, I wrote a slot of foul sintences and nailed them onto the “Abutt
Me” sextion of my profile. And gash what! I’m going to share them with ewe!
Clitoris, as in “Family is extremely important to me. I
love chillin’ with my favorite cousin Clitoris. He was screwed over by the
semantic change of the word, but it meant something completely different when
it was an old family name. Kinda like how the word 'gay' was commonly used to
describe someone who is was happy. Now gay means sad.”
Cock ring, as in “I detest animal abuse, especially when
roosters are placed in a cock ring to fight to the death.”
(SECOND PAUSE so reader can wonder if writer is ever going to
explain the “cocaine” bomb)
Fuck, as in “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I’m
awesome and you should date me!”
Boobies, as in “My favorite animals are Blue Footed
Boobies. If you have a pair of them I would love to bury my face in them, or
slide my rock-hard, cock-ringless penis them in between them in a vigorous thrusting
motion.” See, not offensive in the least and it’s bullshit they don’t let me
put it in there.
Bullshit, as in “The funniest thing that’s ever happened
to me was when I was on a ranch in Montana trying to coerce a bull to fill a
special bull condom with its bull-seed, and it proceeded to bullshit all over
my face.”
Cocaine, as in
(THIRD PAUSE for "Really, guy? Really? You're gonna be asshole about it?")
Asshole, as in “I believe Jesus’s basic message boiled
down to ‘Don’t be an asshole.’ I also often wonder if he ever got an itchy
asshole.”
Pot, as in “I love gardening. Clitoris gave me a lovely
pot to grow my pot in.”
Cunnilingus, as in “My hobbies include photography,
writing, cunnilingus and scrap booking.”
Crack whore, as in “It feels so awkward writing about yourself in these things. Crack whore."
Now here’s where this blahg entry gets a really silly. I put
the following sentences in my profile and they DIDN’T get rejected.
Breasts, as in “I like to shake it up in the bedroom by mixing
food with sex, especially burying my face in a few chicken
breasts that are in between her breasts.”
Heroin, as in “I am terrible at spelling, thought I don’t
let it stop me from writing stories. A favorite protagonist of mine is a heroin
that rescues drug addicts from their poison of choice: heroine.”
Fisting, as in “I love fisting, but only for the rights of
those who don’t have a voice.”
Sluts, as in “The heroin in my latest story loves sluts.”
To read another entry about my online dating adventures, click here.
