How To Suck at Halloween

I am convinced this is one of my friends. Abby?

The kids in my neighborhood suck at Halloween. Plain and simple. They’re terrible at what should be considered by most American kids as the best holiday. Ever. Sure you get to tear open boxes filled with the new and shiny at Christmas. And sure you get to search and destroy eggs filled with candy and money at Easter. But with Halloween, you get pumpkin carving, creative costumes, pumpkin smashing, scary shit, a shit-ton of free candy, flaming poop, and the perfect night to murder someone without anyone noticing for a good long while.

Is that real blood? No, it must be fake blood. Yup, he moved. It’s totally fake blood. (trailing off) I wonder if Breaking Bad will be on sale for Black Friday.

But can we stay on point for one fucking minute here? Kids! At least the ones in my zip code, have destroyed this most sacred holiday.

Take, for instance, my pumpkin.

My Pumpkin 

I spent a good hour and a half carving it and me thinks I done good. 

It's alright if you don't know what this is. It's a pumpkin. 

The carving, however, is something you will most definitely 

recognize from this blahg entry. 

The 31^st rolls around and I rest it in my front windowsill, its candle burning like a beacon, calling in those hungry souls for a feast of sweets – well, not a feast: “You may have two.” Now, this is a pretty sexy pumpkin. But am I about to hoard it all to myself? Fuck no. After it has served it's purpose, I, like a good servant to fun, plop it on a chair on my stoop, where it sits on display. And there it waits, to be hoisted above an adolescent head and smashed onto the pavement with the rage of teenage angst. The next day I find it still waiting. And the next day. It’s been over a week, and now I’m just looking like a pathetic homeowner who can’t let Halloween go. 

Thanks kids. You’re making me look dumb.

No, I said dumb. Not smart. Dumb.

Or maybe they have a good excuse.

I live in a pretty shady part of Denver, where you hear things and you read things. You hear gunshots in the summer and read stories about whom those shots led into the afterlife. We’re in Bloods territory, a stone’s throw away from where the Crips burned down an entire shopping mall after one of their leaders was killed by the Bloods. Last month a helicopter was painting our dark streets with a spotlight, looking for an alleged bank robber. It’s an off day when you don’t see a squad car stalking the avenues. And just last week, I stepped onto my stoop while waiting for the morning bus to see my neighbor’s house decorated in police tape.

So yeah, maybe the kids aren’t too keen on nighttime tomfoolery. Or maybe it’s just too cold.

No, fuck that! The pumpkin is just one facet in why they suck at Halloween.

The Words 

Super simple shit here, kids. You have to say three words: “Trick,” “or,” and “Treat.” Yes, I’m white. And yes I live in a predominantly African American neighborhood. But that’s no reason to forget your lines. You’re not getting the treats until you say it!

Back in the day, we would shout that shit as soon as the door cracked. We had places to be. If we were going to make a dent in filling our pillowcases there were two things we needed 1) to be clear and concise in our request and 2) a light-weight and flexible costume we could run in.

Amateurs!

Oh, grow up!

The Costumes

“What are you supposed to be?” I ask a 10-year-old boy.

“A wolf.”

“Well, you look nothing like a wolf.” He’s dressed like it’s Saturday. “Where’s your costume?”

“Ahhh, it’s back at the house.”

What the fuck? Now you’re just rubbing it in my face. What am I, the easy white guy in the neighborhood who will give any person at my door candy? The fuck I am! Rewind to last Halloween.

“Trick or treat!” says a man in his late 30s who’s dressed like it's Friday. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

He’s not. And he wants candy.

“No, I’m not giving you candy," I say with a smile. "Get the fuck outta here.” I shut the door, half expecting to wake up with a house covered in egg. But this amateur doesn’t even have the decency to paint my bricks Yoke Yellow.

Ha. Ha. Real funny. You know what's not funny? 

Growing up thinking woman chest is the same as 

man butt. It's not, thank you. 

Now, though there were a lot of kids without costumes, some dressed the part. And this, my friends, is the best fucking part about Halloween: seeing cute little kids in their costumes.

“I’m a Flamingo!” one little girl tells me.

“You’re damn right you are!” I want to scream at her. “Now get the fuck over here, you bundle of pink, so I can squeeze the cute right out of you– Don’t touch your child? Sorry. I get a little carried away.”

And not every kid was without a sense of humor.

“What are you supposed to be?” I mockingly ask a teenager overripe in age and completely costume-less.

“I’m a Nigga Turtle,” he says half under his breath. His friends laugh.

I nod while calculating the amount of time it will take me to casually walk back into my home, shut the door, and shout laugh myself hoarse.

Originally a black and white cartoon from the 50s, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was

shelved for nearly 40 years after failing to test well with children in white suburbia.

It should also be noted that I totally made that up. 

The Adults

Maybe I’m being too hard on the kids. Maybe it’s the adults. I’ve already mentioned last year’s candy craving solicitor of sweets. But I haven’t mentioned–

“How old are you?” A standard question if you feel someone’s too old to be doing this shit.

“I’m 13,” he says while hovering over his brother who’s the perfect age for doing this shit. 

“How old are you?”

“I’m their mother,” says a masked woman, just before holding out her pillowcase for my treats.

Well, (sigh), at least she was in full costume. 

... 

All in all, it was a flipping great Halloween. I had to open a second bag of candy because I have no willpower and ate half of the first bag. Twix! DAMN TWIX! I saw a lot of cuties that made my heart melt. LIKE THE TWIX IN MY MOUTH! And I got to carve a pumpkin, which I haven’t done in a whi– TWIX, I’M NOT DONE TALKING ABOUT TWIX YET!  And though several kids proved they suck at Halloween, they probably got a lot of candy and had a lot of fun, which is what this is all about. And if at least one of those pieces of candy was a Twix…

I’m sorry. I have a problem.

Angels and Demons - Sleeping In Cars #2

And then shit got real. 

This story, though lengthy, is one of the greatest I have to tell. It involves a broken pair of glasses, a make out session with a random woman in an alley, a photo with a rock star, a near fight with one police officer, and being saved by another. If you enjoy it half as much as I revel in its retelling, it will be well worth the read.  

...

We’re all current or former Childcare Workers at a home for boys with emotional and behavioral disorders. The job comes with its perks: a bitchin' schedule of two back-to-back 15-hour days followed by four days off and constant psychological battles with boys aged 7-15, which has made us all budding alcoholics. But I currently find myself in recovery, having just been laid off, something I'm too broken up about.

This meeting – except for the beers, being at a bar in Lower Downtown Denver ("LoDo"), and the exhaustive bitching about the job – could be considered a work meeting. And work meetings happen on Sunday nights, right?

Ben shows up late, a symptom of living in the mountains, but he promptly absolves his sin by buying us shots and cheese curds. There’s an energy he brings into the bar that tells me tonight'll be story worthy. Everyone bails after a few hours and several beers and Ben flashes me a “Where to next, muthafucka!?!”

We decide on El Chapultepec, a fantastic, cash-only jazz joint with live music 7 days a week. It’s a tiny dive, one that forces you to get close on the weekend, but you’ve practically been there if you’ve read Kerouac’s “On The Road,” because it was one of Jack’s favorite hangouts, and he wrote about it in the classic. We roll in, snag some cash, get a drink, and scope the scene. A few females are chatting it up down the bar near the small stage. Ben is always talking about how he has no game with the ladies, so I’m shocked when I hear him say, “Let’s hit on some women.”

Fuck.

I order a water because I’m losing a considerable amount through my armpits and palms. Let’s just say there’s a reason I do online dating, because anxiety vomiting on a woman is apparently a terrible ice breaker.

Wait! I have the glasses!

I found them, or what was left of them, while walking with the crew to a Rockies game the day before. They are giant frames with missing lenses and arms, the kind that hold coke bottles for the Ms. Doubtfires of the world, and they were an immediate hit. I have to jam them onto the bridge of my nose to get them to stay and they forbid such silly movements like looking up, down, or side to side.

When I did an image search for this 1993 classic, 

I was actually surprised at how similar the glasses were. 

We swagger to the stage and I turn my back to the cute one. I press on the glasses, turn, and say hello. She immediately starts laughing. Boom. Ice broken. Her and I move past the glasses, into conversation about what I do. Who me? Nothing right now, actually. Just got laid off. What do I want to do? Well, I’m a writer and a photographer so something with that would be grand.

“Well don’t I just want to take you into the alley and have my way with you?”

What a fantastic idea! 

I grab her hand and start leading her out the back door, which is conveniently located to our right. She’s giggling as I pin her against the wall. Our first kiss is wet, a hearty rebellion against the puritanical forces that molded this country. Her breathing climbs as my lips jump from hers to her neck, my hands mapping her body along the way.  A thin waist, very nice. And a great butt, fascinating. I decide not to push it, because I was raised a nice Catholic boy. Maybe the next time we’re making out in an alley I can get to second base. She stops me and says we should go back inside; her friends are probably looking for her. I say sure, knowing that Ben is probably looking for me too.

We go inside and she points to her friends.

“Look at them. They don’t even know I was gone.”

“You’re absolutely right,” I say. I grab her hand and again lead her into the alley. The drill’s pretty much the same but with a few additions: I pin, we kiss, my right knee slides between her legs, my hands grab her ass, and I jerk her hips into mine.

“Oh, you could be fun this week,” she says with a giggle.

A smile crosses my face and I pull her into me even harder. Wet kisses claim her neck and I send one hand north on a recon mission. It reports back that her breasts are quite lovely and she enjoys it when they are touched. Nice work, hand. I'm nominating you for the medal of dishonor. A quick experiment yields remarkable results: the pleasure increases drastically when the touching is accompanied by a tongue behind the ear. She cuts the party at 5 and we suddenly remember we’re in public. I snag her number before finding Ben up front.

“Dude, you gotta slam your drink,” I say quickly. “I just got that chick’s number so we gotta bounce.”

“Nice, man. But why do we have to leave?”

I inform him that when Brad gets a woman’s phone number it’s a lot like when a little kid steals something from a convenience store. He casually walks out, gives his friends the signal, and they book it while giggling to a safe house, which typically isn't a house but a fort. Then, and only then, can one start breathing.

“Come on!”

He obeys, we skedaddle, and I fill him in on where I disappeared to.

“Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“No, man!” I’m beaming and continue to talk on.

“A second time?”

“Yeah, man!”

He pulls out his phone and shows a photo he took of me talking with her just before I walked his way.

“Holy shit, dude! You’re kissing her in the photo.”

“Really?!” I grab the phone from his hand and enlarge the shot. 

"Holy shit! I am."

Our legs lead us down the street and our tongues point us to liquor. Literally. We were literally walking with our tongues out trying to find a bar. Lie. We would've tried anything to find an open bar, but it's Sunday, and not much is open. We see the remnants of a concert trickling out of the Summit Music Hall. RX Bandits, a band I actually like, finished up a little bit ago. I’m feeling a bit mischievous, so I challenge myself to somehow get into the building. Challenge accepted.

If I were to have taken a breathalyzer at that moment, I probably would've blown a 0.12, but when I walk to the front of the building where the bouncer is, I start acting a 0.31.  I stumble right past him and get about 10 feet before he catches up to me. He gives me a “What the fuck are you doing?” and I give him a, “eihb Gnzrr tube.” He gives me an “Alright, let’s go.” and I give him the submissive drunk. When we walk out, Ben gives us his laughter.

I magically regain my balance and speech when we turn the corner. The bus of the Bandits is to our right and the back door is to our left. The back door. I challenged myself and excepted that challenge, so I must get into this building! I post up, waiting for a worker bee to leave the door open a little too long when they walk out or in. Like this:

This is impossible, I think to myself through an exhausted brain. They're just, too, damn, good!  The bees have seen this trick before and are extra careful to close the door behind them. 

A random guy asking for the autograph of another random guy catches our ears. Someone famous, our collective noodles cook up. We swoop in to gather more intel. The second random guy is apparently part of the band, but I don't recognize him because I don't actually know what the band looks like. The true fan, who I shall cleverly call "Fan," is asking Rocker to sign his poster. He does, and I pull up my shirt and ask if I can get an autograph too. Rocker says, "Well, alright," and: 

Ben is beside himself, giggling his prostate off. Fan asks for a photo and I snap one of him and Rocker.  Ben takes the lead and asks the same. Rocker obliges and Ben hands Fan his phone. And Fan is funny! 

“Here’s to the guys who weren’t even at the concert.” I throw on my glasses and this happens:

Fan meanders off, probably to go masturbate on his newly-signed poster; Rocker, who I later finger as the band’s bassist, Joseph Troy, (or "Joe Tory," according to the band's website but nowhere else), climbs into the bus; and we try to sniff out more booze, laughing as we wander up the street.  

“1-up” is a LoDo bar lined with arcade games. It's open but the bouncer tells our drunk asses it’s last call and he's not letting anybody in. This does not please us, we protest, and are apparently too close for his comfort. 

“You guys gotta stand back.”

We argue some more.

“I’m gonna have to ask you to step off the property.”

Because we’re on the sidewalk, dumb Brad decides to get smart.

“Where’s the property line? Is it here?” I step back and point to the ground. “How about here?”

“Man,” he says. “I’m just trying to do my job and I feel like you guys are giving me a hard time.”

Ben chimes in, but his target is one of Denver’s finest sitting on a stool to the bouncer’s left. I see his motives, the cop has been so wrapped up in his phone that he hasn’t given us any attention.

“What? You having a pretty busy night, huh? Texting?”

The cop looks up. He is young but his eyes are tired, telling of a man who just wants to go home. And text. 

“Don’t you guys have anything better to do?”

The question catches us off guard. It’s clearly not the fight we were looking for (and expecting).

We look at each other, shake our heads, and in near unison we say, “No."

"Guys,” he says. “Just leave.”

A second passes before, “Burritos?” The asker is a Latino woman snuck in behind us. She is an angel, not because she’s beautiful or wearing white. She’s not. It's not because of her delicious ground beef, potatoes, and cheese wrapped in a warm flour tortilla. Almost. It’s because her interruption probably saved us from a beat down.

Months from now I will get a contract position at a civil rights law firm sifting through thousands of pages of Internal Affairs investigations into Denver Police brutality complaints. It will open my eyes to how stupid, how really fucking stupid, and lucky, we really were in that moment. I will read case after case after case of lippy drunk folk in LoDo getting the crap beat out of them by those who took an oath to serve and protect. And in nearly every instance, even those with over 5, 10, 15 witnesses, the cops got away with it (and still do). 

A photo taken just after a 2009 traffic stop in Denver. Three officers used flashlights, fists, and a radio to subdue Alex Landau because, they said, he reached for one of their guns. He says the beating was in retaliation for him asking if they had a warrant to search his trunk. Alex says he lost consciousness, and when he came to, he heard one of the officers say, "Where's that warrant now, you fucking nigger?" No officers were fired, but for the broken nose, a concussion, 43 stitches in his face, and cognitive problems, Alex was awarded a $795,000 settlement. So says one of my bosses: "Oftentimes the only way to get people to pay attention and change their ways is through a big settlement." In 2011, the city of Denver gave out over $1,000,000 in police brutality settlements. (clears throat) And now back to our regularly scheduled comedic programming.

My burrito is delicious. Ben says the same of his. But most importantly, the tension, our rage, is gone.

It's bed time. Boy Scout Ben has a mid-sized pickup with a topper, and when he comes to party, he's prepared. It's no surprise when he pulls out the two cots, because it was a main factor in my decision to destroy my liver tonight. Ben sets up shop in a flurry, and before I know it, he's on his cot, wearing nothing but his boxers. The temperature tonight is in the 90s and the humidity clings to our everything. I had a friend pick up some Sleefer, or reefer meant to shut your mind off so you can sleep, and I offer some to Ben. He passes on grass and passes out. I strip to my skibbies, take some tokes, and try to settle in for some shut eye.

But. I. Can't. Sleep! Let's listen in on the thoughts weaving in and out of my head:

Holy shit it sot! Why sit so fucking hot? Why's Ben so hairy? And why's he so nekid? Fuck izzy hairy! And fuck izzy nekid! Wait, fuck? Whatif this was Ben's plan all 'long? To git m' drunk an in th' back of his truk to FUCK me? How did I notsee this?! So. Fucking. Hot. I mus be in hell right now. That's what this is. Thisis hell. It's hotter den balls and he's totally gonna rape me. I'm in hell. 

I decide that sleeping next to Ben is a chance I'm not willing to take. I climb out the car as quietly as possible, because hairy rapists rape even harder when you wake them. 

Now, some people may believe, as I do, that rape isn't a funny thing to joke about. It's got to be one of the most horrible and traumatic things any woman or man can go through and I hope I don't offend anyone who's endured it, or had a loved one go through it. I literally and sincerely thought my friend of approximately 7 months, Ben, who I had rarely hung out with outside of work, was going to rape me. It was a paranoid delusion brought about by a bad-for-my-mind strain of medical marijuana. I am not making light of rape; I am making fun of myself for thinking this was Ben's plan all along. Because, really, Brad? Really?! 

It's barely cooler outside and I begin preparing to sleep in Rainbow Satan. Preparations include breathing heavily; opening the windows a bit; catching some deep breaths; hiding my keys outside of the vehicle so as to prevent a potential DUI; taking a breather; rolling my clothes into a pillow; and laying down while telling myself I'm safe from the hairy bear rapist next (car) door.

About 20 minutes pass and it just keeps getting hotter. Holy shit is it getting hotter! Sidenote: a week from now I realize it's the weed that made me hotter, because for some strange reason that strain increases my body temperature. Anyway, the heat is unbearable, and I decide it's a good idea to open one of my doors for a minute. I do, and dangle a leg outside, letting the city's currents cool my body.

"Are you alright," someone asks, while nudging my leg.

I open my eyes as if they were glued shut. It's dressed in black, no, dark blue, wait, it's a he, he's dressed in dark blue, and his badge gives him away.

"Are you alright? Do you have all your possessions?" My obvious confusion prompts his clarification. "Has anything been stolen from you?"

I piece it together while unrolling my shirt and pants pillow. The sky is a rich blue, not black, so I figure I passed out five hours ago, more than half naked, with my foot just where I left it: dangling out my open car door. I grumble that I think I have all my stuff and that I'm alright. He asks for my license and registration. I find them both and hand them over.

"It's perfectly alright to sleep it off in your car," he says, handing back my credentials. "But you need to be smart. This is a dangerous area and I saw some people circling like they were about to come in and jump you."

"Really?" The words settle into my aching noggin. "Well, thank you."

He hands me my credentials.

"No problem. Close and lock your doors next time."

He leaves and I crawl in, follow his directions, and pass out. A few hours pass before it's just too hot and too bright to continue this nonsense. I throw on a shirt, throw Rainbow into gear, and barrel her back to a nice cool bed. 

It's while reading a few particular police reports 6 months later that I realize, once again, just how lucky I was to have an angel swoop in and save me. They tell of the crack, meth, and heroin addicts who patrol downtown, panhandling for money, desperately raising funds for their next fix. I imagine one or two of them robbing me, and even beating me unconscious, or worse. 

Now, it's incredibly difficult for me to trust and like the Denver police after knowing what I know, reading what I have read, and watching what I have watched. Plus, on a near-daily basis you hear about them beating or killing someone and very loose grounds. But I am forever thankful for that cop saving me from imminent harm.

We live in a culture that glorifies drunken stupidity. And I admit, that's what this story is: a glorification of a night of alcohol-and-weed-infused stupidity. But there are two reasons why I posted this: 1) I'm hoping some lessons might be learned from my complete and utter idiocy (because, like, FUCKING WHOA!), and 2) hopefully, just hopefully, it lightened your day with a little laughter. 

Txts to an Asshole 6

This is round 6 of “Txts to an Asshole,” reoccurring documentations of conversations I have with unfortunate schmucks who believe they’re txting someone else. I basically play along, and they get played. 

Now, you may be wondering why I waited over 7 months to post this. Well, it’s short and I was hoping I’d receive another random text so I could make this is a 2-part post. But alas, my random txts dried up. So I regret to inform you, this may be my last episode of “Txts to an Asshole." Apparently word got around that I’m not “Kait.” And I think it's because I keep telling them I'm not Kait. I so dumbass! 

But fret not. My crystal ball is showing future txt related blahg entries. 

Them @ 12:13pm on 8/3/12: I want Ilse to have a friends birthday dinner tonight!

                     You should come :) she doesn’t know about it though haha                                                                      

Me @ 12:15: Nice! Sounds like a good time. Count me in, lol

                      Where ya thinking?

Them @ 12:16: Haha okay chili’s on Arapahoe crossing at 7ish

           @ 12:27: Scratch that, the nigga wants chick fil a or chipotle and a movie

Me @ 12:29: What a bitch. I love Chili’s.

Also the opening line of my online dating profile. 

Them: Haha me too!!

Me @ 12:30: Wait, now I don’t know if imma make it. I got Chili’s on the mind.

Them @ 12:31: Haha please go!

Me @ 12:32: Too late. Just made reservations.

Them @ 12:33: Seriously! Haha

Me @ 12:34: Yeah-ya! Do you know how hard it is to get into a Chili’s on a Friday

night?

Them @ 12:34: Dammn!

           @ 12:36: Okay we’re back on chili’s :)

Me @ 12:54: Shit yo! I canceled my reservation befer you sent that txt. Imma hit

up that new “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” movie (looks soooooooo good) and I’m halfway through a Chipotle burrito so I’ll prolly be full for the rest of the weekend. Those things are so fucking big!

Them @ 12:59: Kait, you’re killing me!

Me @ 2:52: You know what’s killing me? That fucking burrito. I’m pretty sure it’s

         lodged in my intestine.

      @ 3:24: By the way, who’s Kait?

Catch the other five episodes of “Txts to an Asshole” here: 1, 2, 3,  4, and 5. 

Rainbow’s Satanic Side

I’ve written a few times about my lady of the lanes, Rainbow Satan. Her make: Buick. Model: Regal Limited. Year: well, a gentleman never asks and a lady never tells. Funny story, actually, the guy I purchased Rainbow from had her listed as a '97, but my incredibly trustworthy mechanic revealed, rather rudely, that she was fudging her age.

“It’s a ‘96,” Bob said.

“You mean, ‘She.'"

“Yeah, Brad, ‘She’ is a 1996.” The eye roll was new, but the gum smacking and mustache licking came standard. “By the way, you shouldn’t refer to vehicles as female. I don’t care if your 8^th-grade history teacher told you that ships and countries are to be labeled with a feminine pronoun. It’s just plain sexist. To compare a woman to a well-built, reliable motor vehicle is wrong and I won’t allow it in my shop!”

Bob, passionate about 2 things: carburetors and gender-neutral monikers. Oh, and licking that fucking mustache.

“Bob!”

“Sorry.”

Rainbow’s been with me since ’09, and besides one and two bumps in the road, she's treated me quite well. But as of late, she’s been revealing her satanic side far too often. 

Joint custody of awesome experiences means that Roommate and I sometimes drive separately. Take the other night: we're coming back from a fantastic theatre production his high schoolers put on, Rainbow bounce-gliding to the right of his smooth "Black Betty." We come to a stop light, also known as "more bonding time," and Roommate rolls down his passenger window to share the melodic morsel his ears are eating up. Rainbow has automatic windows, so a press of a button glides mine down so I can hear this song: 

And a big "Fuck yeah" for Tiny Toons.

It's a great song, but it's weird, which is why it was perfect for the 6 mixes I created in one of my grand pranks. Roommate has never heard it before and he's loving it, laughing at its absurdity, and mock-jamming out. And then the cross light turns yellow. Black Betty grants Roommate's window the up, but Rainbow isn't so kind. I'm confused and panicky as the cross light turns red. 

This is new. She's done a lot of things, but never this before. I keep jabbing at the button, poking "up," then "down," then "up" again, but nothing is working and our light is green. Roommate is laughing as we pull away from the intersection, me struggling to manually pull the window up by pinching the little bit poking out of the frame between my fingers. But that's not working either. I awkwardly put on my gloves because it's cold out, and roommate drives next to me in hysterics.  

Questions about my future with a broken window begin bubbling. Will I have to drive everywhere with this thing down? The panic builds. Will I have to bundle up every fucking place I fucking drive? The fucking summer will be fine, but fuck! What about next fucking winter?! And what about my fucking shit!? PEOPLE ARE GONNA STEAL MY SHIT! My, um, my- I look around for possessions thieves would take the risk of being seen in a '96 Buick for. My candy rapper? No. My empty bottle of Gatorade? No, that might be gone by then. My iPod? Yes!  My iPod! Wait, I can just take that with me... 


My mind conjures clearly the most probable of scenarios: Once the thief realizes I don't have anything to steal and their street cred has gone out my open window, they're gonna be pissed. So pissed, that they're gonna either piss or shit in my car. Shit! But before my mind centers on odors and textures, the window lurches upward. "Yes," I shout to the newly-closed window, hurting my ear drums. Well friends, this short story has a happy ending: Rainbow hasn't given me anymore trouble with that window - knock on woo—wait. No wood in sight. Does an erection work? 

Now, it's been just over a year since I mentioned Rainbow in a post, and it was almost immediately after I pressed "publish" on said post that the vibrations began. And these are not the good, good, good, good vibrations. They're bad, literally, to the bone. First, my back driver side window: a furious rattle that really puts a damper on my Joni Mitchell scream fests.  

I'm gonna let that one settle in.

Wait for it...

Waaaait for it......

Aaaaaaand Brad scream fest.

Now, first vibration has an easy, though temporary fix: rolling down the window a smidge. But the second vibration, oh the second vibration! You know that phrase, "You don't know someone until you drive a mile in their '96 Buick Regal Limited"? Well, that phrase was inspired by my driver's seat. Rainbow has made a habit of inflating my lower lumbar support at will. Stop sign? Perfect time to give Brad the extra back support he needs! Right turn? Vibration station here we come! Left turn? Wait, why didn't it do the—what the fuck? Lemme try the left turn again. Come on! You're supposed to do th—ahhhh there it is you FUCK! 

It's literally one of the most annoying things I've experienced. And it's not just the vibration, because that's really just the motor that pumps the air into the back sack. It's the newly inflated back sack! I have to deflate it every 15 seconds or so because who wants to drive around with a football in their back? And you'd think that it would stop inflating once back sack reaches maximum inflation. Oh, no! The motor keeps pumping. Now you might be asking, "Where does the excess air go?" WELL I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! IT JUST KEEPS PUMPING! 

"Why don't you just pop it?" HotMom72 is my go-to guy for vibrating car seat advice. 

"Because it's not just the air, it's the fucking vibrations all over my ass!" 

"Well, why don't you cut the wire?" 

"Because every time I get out of my car I'm usually thinking about food or breasts or hockey so I completely forget about the unsolicited massage my ass was just getting! Plus, there is no easily accessible wire. I looked. And what if I cut the wrong one and I can no longer move my chair forward and backward?" 

It's gotten awkward a few times. Rainbow decided to pull her prank once while I was driving with a date. 

"Oh, this is hilarious," I said through gritted teeth. 

"What is that? Is your seat vibrating?"

"Look, if this, us, um, we, if we are gonna work out as a couple, thing, you're gonna have to accept me and my crap ass car." 

It didn't work out. 

J feels my pain. 

(or an image that popped up 

when I searched "cue the violins")

I wish this problem was as easy a fix as the last few problems, but it isn't. I wish I could just roll down the rattlin' window, or staple the hangy roof, or glue the flaccid side mirror, but noo! I've literally tried everything. And by everything I mean punching and kicking the seat, both while driving and parked. Oh, and one time I pressed real hard on the button that's supposed to set into motion this phenomenon, like really hard, and that fixed things for like 15 minutes. Literally, everything. 

Look, I've been told by my imagination that I should be grateful, that when I meet that special lady, we'll have a free, vibrating chair to have uncomfortable sex in. But until then, it's just plain infuriating. 

I'm actually afraid to post this because of what Rainbow might do if she finds out. What if word gets back to her somehow and she realizes the power she has over me, that I can't just leave ride at car, and she can crank up the revenge for all the times I've slighted her. Yeah, that probably won't happen, knock on, um, erection. 

Leg Dreams

I miss leg. Like, a lot. And I’ve missed leg for quite some time.

For those who've never read the funny story of how I got gimp'd while playing soccer, I give you this link. And no, “gimp'd” is not a new, more sadistic Ashton Kutcher show.  Sidebar: how wild of a show would that be? Instead of Demi getting dumped, she did the dumping and he gets so angry he convinces HBO to film him and his crew luring celebrities into traps and beating the shit out of them. (self high five!)

Just before Xmas I get some bad, but expected, news. Dr. Leg looks at me, then back and my MRI, and says, “You injured this a year and a half ago?" I nod. "Brad, he says. "I look at this and wonder, ‘How have you been living like this?’* You don’t have an ACL. Normally when people snap theirs, you can see remnants. But with you, there’s nothing. And usually people tear their Meniscus." He draws me a quick picture of the Meniscus and points circles the place where people usually tear it. "You flipped yours.” The second circle is much larger. 

Alright, I get it doc. I’m a badass. But what's nex–WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! He frantically tries hiding the plastic knee joint model, but it's too late. Involuntary nap time. 

They cut me open on January 24^th and life was pretty good for 2 weeks. I was ahead of schedule with strength and range of motion and began walking sans crutches and brace 10 days out.  Life was looking up. Then one Tuesday I was in a rush to get the recycling out before my bus came and like a total asshole I tried some hop skip maneuver and FUCK! What the fuck was that? Searing pain in the hamstring area helped me conclude that it was my hamstring. You see, part of it was taken by that thieving jerk and repurposed into a new ACL. He made an incision, went up there with a reachy army thingy, snipped, stole, drilled, and installed. So my hammy was already weak, and I tweaked it something fierce. “It’s not the worst I’ve seen, but it’s up there,” said my physical therapist.

Do I get a ribbon? NO?!  How about a blood clot?

If you’ve ever torn your hamstring, you know it’s fucking painful; in my case, a lot more painful than the surgery. Unless I wanted a thousand hot needles to shoot up the back of my leg, I didn't move it because it needed to heal, which is precisely why I got the blood clot. Post-surgery appendage movement is apparently important so a blood clot doesn’t land in one (or more) of your veins. And since a clot can lead to death, it's kind of a big deal (but a bigger deal to me is how lame of a death that would be). So now I'm on blood thinners and a sexy compression sock is on me. 

But hey, I’m doing alright. Two weekends ago I went drunk biking. 

Now, some of you may be saying, "Brad, it's not a good idea to bike around at night, with high levels of blood thinning meds in your system, while under the influence of a liquid that both diminishes your coordination and thins your blood, thus increasing the chances of blah blah blahg I have A TINY WEINER!" Two things: 1) you're absolutely right, especially about the weiner bit and 2) see number 1. 

Anyway, as much as I like to write that I’m kicking life in the balls, living so long on a bum knee has not been fun. It’s been one.five years since I could do a slew of knee related activities (and there's a lot) without the worry it would pop and lock, sending it to bed for a few days. It would jostle and swell anytime I stepped wrong, anytime I spun or twisted, and anytime I jumped over a stanchion at a Rise Against concert because I couldn’t get floor tickets and I wanted to be on the floor. I'd tweak it every 3 weeks for so, a reminder of the "I can'ts" that lead me everywhere.

And now I got it fixed (trumpets and crash cymbals). I am thoroughly excited about this (crash cymbal falls to the ground and makes awkward spinning sound). Um, ahh, he he... sorry about that. Anyway, I've been so excited by this that I’ve done my fair share of dreaming about what I’ll do when I have a healthy leg (cue dreamy music and blurred focus)…

When my leg is betta, I will dance. I will dance so fucking hard you have no idea. I will line dance with a gay cowboys. I will swing dance with a random woman on the street. I will break dance naked on the wooden floors of my house and then swear up and down while rubbing ointment on my burns. My wood burns. THAT'S WHAT HE SA— Uh, oh. I've said too much. 

I will play drinking games that involve running. I will play drinking games that don’t involve running because I’m tired of running. I will pass out.

I will run after a departing train and make eye contact with a random beautiful woman as if she is the love of my life and I just made a massive mistake. I will mouth “I Love You” to her as the train pulls away from me, inciting a fight between her and her jealous boyfriend. I will wait patiently for our relationship to start through Missed Connections. “You ruined my life!” her post will begin. No I didn’t. I ruined his life. The best chapter of yours is about to begin.

When my leg is right as rain, I will hike. I will camp. I will rock climb. I will boulder. I will climb to the top of boulders, hike down from them, and have sex with 2 hot hiker/climber chicks in the rain. Yes, I will do this. It will be nice. AND THEN WE'LL WATCH HOCKEY! God, I love the outdoors.

This interruption is brought to you by Roommate, who enters the room while showing off all the awesome moves he can do with both of his good legs.

I will break Roommate’s knee.

I will karate chop a cop in the balls. I will surf on top of a shark. I will back-flip kick said shark in the balls. Oh, a shark doesn’t have balls on the outside of its body thus making said balls difficult to locate? Well, I’ll invent a shark with outside balls and motherfucking back-flip kick that fucking shark in its OUTSIDE-SHARK BALLS DON’T INTERRUPT ME! (clears throat) Where was I? What came before shark balls? Well, I know cop balls! But what came before any mention of balls in general?! Really?... (clears throat once, then again) Ahhh fuck it.

I will break into song in the middle of a crowded street. I will immediately regret my song choice because no, 80-year-old grandparents, I don't want to fuck either of you like an animal. 

I will play Twister. I will play Twister, in my house, without others and without clothes, just before Roommate gets home from work. Boom! Remember that rubbing it in shit? Gotcha, fucker!

I will write a public apology to my female roommate because I didn’t expect her to be right behind Roommate.

I will eat a salad.

I will run after the bus if I miss it. I will miss the bus just so I can run after it. I will join a sorority.

I will lose my gut by working out 4 days a week. I will devote one weekend to climbing a 14er with my sorority. I will take a shit on the top of that 14er . I will get kicked out of my sorority.

I will give myself a hug everyday. And by “hug” I mean hand job.

I will give nude modeling another shot. I will be a nude model inside. I will be a nude model outside. I will be arrested and charged as a sex offender. I definitely will not be a nude model outside.

I will build a bear at my local Build-A-Bear workshop. What do you mean "why?" Fuck you, why! I need a reason to build an adorable and cuddly bear? His name, Chester. His role, my nightly confidant: 

"And then she looked at me for like 2 straight seconds! What does that mean? Does that mean she wants to nibble on my bits? Or does it mean she was trying to figure out where the cereal was and she thought I was a stock boy? Whatever. (Brad hugs Chester) She's probably a bitch anyway." 

I will begin to draw inspiration from looking out the bus window. I will eat fried chicken. I will eat McDonalds. I will eat tire. And fence.

I will play Ultimate Frisbee. I will play Ultimate Stand On The Sidelines And Hold Back Puke While I Catch My Breath.

I will learn to laugh at myself. And I will learn to stop laughing at myself during funerals and other general death related occurrences like first learning someone's family pet died or while telling them I killed their family pet...

I keep reminding myself that things could be worse.

I had a follow-up appointment with Dr. Leg the other day. We managed to look at the photos they snapped during the surgery without vomit climbing up my word pipe. He held me and told me to be a big boy. I cried. Then he pointed out a few things about it while whispering, "It's gonna be alright." He admired his work and, once again, commented on my wearwithall. Then he had me lay on the table where he violently tested the strength and stability of the new ACL.

"Oh, that's great," he said while jarring my calf and quad back and forth. "That's really great." He literally did it about 3 more times before I blurted, "Alright, that's enough." He apologized, admitted that his fascination with knees could probably qualify as a mental illness, and said I'm right on track.

I can ride a bike outdoors in 1.5 months and in 2.5, I can make turns while running. This is all great news to me, because it means I will...

*My answer: I didn’t have health insurance. I injured it while I had a job, but got laid off soon after. Ya fucking make do. And I’m glad I did, otherwise I’d be $46,366 in the hole. THAT'S WHAT SHE SA— Fuck! Will I ever learn to use that properly? Huh, Chester? 


Click here to be rerouted to your nearest emergency room and/or to the humerus story about me smacking my knee up.