I periodically create fake Craigslist postings for shits and giggles. Or giggles that periodically result in shits. Whatever. If you've never been to
Craigslist.org, you should go now because it is like people watching for literates. Seriously. Pure gold is waiting for you there.
This is one of my latest fake posts that I submitted to the "Personals" section. I've included a screen shot of it, the text of the ad below that, the photo that was included with the ad, and a few of the cherry responses I got. And just so we're clear, Randy, I do intend on making this a reoccurring thread.
Now before I get to the ad, I must say it was inspired by the many people who have recently asked what my ideal job would be. It got me thinking, what would I want to do if I could do absolutely anything? And here's the brain kernel that popped:
Your Search Is Over. You're Welcome. - 28 (Denver)
You want to meet a great guy, right? Well that's me, and I'll tell you why:
-My happiness would increase by at least 14% if I had a job that involved vacuuming
-Dishes? Probably my second favorite thing to do besides vacuuming
-I love to do yard work. Makes me feel so manly!
-I am great at folding laundry (see photo below)
-I give really, really good back rubs. But don't try to return the favor as I'm too ticklish.
-And although I don't like cooking or cleaning, I'd do it with a smile if you brought in all the money
Now I know what you're thinking: "Wow, this guy is either incredibly lazy or he wants to be a stay at home dad." I am not lazy, and I believe that many women of past generations would deplore your insensitive accusation. Running a household is anything but easy and the lazy need not apply. And as far as being a stay at home dad, I love kids and I'm great with kids, but I don't want any because kids are a lot of work and I'm lazy.
I just have this feeling that I'm destined to sit at home all day and watch soap operas and eat a little too much chocolate and get the mail if I'm feeling really ambitious. Maybe I'll even get bored and try Meth, but I doubt it. How can you get bored when there's a marathon of Law & Order SVU on TNT?
Other things you can look forward to from me:
-I'll pack your lunch and occasionally leave a pair of my boxer shorts in it (raaaar). Or maybe even my whitey tighties (double raaaar!)
-I can take pole-dancing lessons for our 10th anniversary. My gift to you.
-I don't wear jewelry so you'll never feel pressure from Shane Co. to buy me anniversary or birthday jewelry
-Sex anytime you want it. And by the way, I bang like a rock star
And I feel I should be a little upfront about a few things, so here are my DEAL BREAKERS:
-If you want to be a stay at home mom. This one is pretty obvious. Who the hell is going to make the money I'd like to spend buying too many things we don't need at Target?
-Spiders: If you're not willing to kill them. Jesus Christ are they scary! (shivers)
-If you have ever had a history of abusing your significant other, mentally or physical. Unless we're banging. Then bring on the abuse.
-If you don't have a good paying job that can support at least 3 people. I say at least 3 because what if a buddy of mine wants to crash at our place for a couple of months?
-If you don't know some form of martial arts. Who's going to defend me from all the women who'll constantly hit on me when we go out? So annoying.
-If you don't have a mini van I can use. Bonus points if you'll buy me a purple PT Cruiser with flames on it
So yeah, I think the next step is for you to email me. Maybe we can have a dinner date and you can show me how much of a breadwinner you really are by paying. Granted, I'll act like I'm going to chip in, even go as far as taking my wallet out of my pocket, but that's when you should step in and say, "Put that away. I got this." Of course you do. And then of course I'll go down on you in your parked car (wink).
And now for the responses. It should be noted here that the vast majority of responses you receive after posting in certain sections of CL (i.e. personals, missed connections, cock parties, etc) are Spam responses intended to gain your email, which will presumably be sold on the black market for who the hell knows why. Of the 22 responses I got, only 2 were real:
And the other, non-real "responses":
Smarter than you are.
"I aint got obese" either!
You like eating and enjoying the opposite sex?
Sorry but "late night flight" does not sum it up.
I know Athena! She's the one with the hair, right?
Educate you? Probably impossible at this stage in the game. Just sayin'. ("ssbbw" = super sized big boned woman. "nsa" = no strings attached)
You'll "let it" what?
I take size 9 shoes. But if you're talking boots, well shit, then probably like size 9.
The above one makes me laugh every time I read it. I did a quick Google search and found what I had suspected all along. There is no "Susan's eating house" in Denver. And I'm pretty sure there isn't even a "city centre" here either. What a fucking tease!
Finally for our last response, drum roll please. O.K., stop with the fucking drum roll. I was kidding.
How did you know my deepest, darkest fantasy?
And game over:
Read Fake Craigslist posts two and three by clicking the "two" and "three" 89 and 85 letters and spaces back from this point.
Did you get a hard-on from reading this blahg post? I knew it. You did a fairly good job at hiding it under your desk but it was all the shifting that gave you away. Well if you did enjoy it, pass it along to your friends and remember to consult a doctor if your blahg erection lasts more than four hours.
