(my first-ever demotivational poster, inspired by
a conversation with friends)
a conversation with friends)
"What's the worst band you can think of?" Thank you for asking, middle-aged man at the porn shop I would rather not talk to. Did you not see my nonverbals? My face that was trying to tell you "I'd rather die than speak to anyone right now"? Apparently not. But since you asked, sir, let me put down this stack of "Big Bush Monthly" so I can gesture wildly during my answer.
Nickelback. Nickelback is by far the worst successful band on the planet. I'm not alone in this assessment. Many folks I have talked with, at porn shops and beyond, have agreed with me.
"But Billboard Magazine said they were the "Band of the Decade" in 2010?"
For a guy that clearly has an anal bead fetish, you know a hellova lot about Nickelback.
"I wouldn't consider it a fetish. It's more of a hobby."
Whatever. Could you at least stop sucking on them while I talk with you? Thank you.
Nickelback has done a really good job at selling records, at somehow convincing people that their music is not only worth a 10-second listen, an entire-song listen, but a repeated listen of an entire album after dropping $11.99. If it were up to me, they'd get rocks thrown at them at a concert in Portugal and quit after the second song.
"That actually happened already."
Seriously, dude! Take 'em out of your mouth. That really happened?
"Yeah. Pretty sure it's on YouTube."
So, friends, and my sex addiction therapist, imagine my delight when I saw an article on ESPN about how fans of the Detroit Lions are asking someone, anyone to remove Nickelback from the halftime show at their Thanksgiving Day contest against the Green Bay Packers.
"This game is nationally televised," reads the Change.org petition written by a Michigan native and ticket holder to the game. "Do we really want the rest of the US to associate Detroit with Nickelback? Detroit is home to so many great musicians and they choose Nickelback?!?!?!"
Go on. I'm listening.
"This is completely unfair to those of us who purchased tickets to the game. At least the people watching at home can mute their TVs."
Boom! I told you, sir. Sir? SIR?! Someone call an ambulance! I think he's choking!
Detroit finally has a solid football team. They're 6-2, in second place in their division, this is the biggest game of their season against the division rival Packers who are in first place, and they pick Nickelback to play halftime? Muy mal.
Dear Detroit,
We realize times are tough for you and have been for a very long time. Poverty, crime, and unemployment are all through the roof. And now that you have a morale boost brought on by your Lions, we're going to make your head vomit your brain out your ears with Nickelback's "Rock and Roll." But we're hoping that the ratings will be through the roof!
Sincerely,
The "Shit On You When You're Down" Committee
about we put the "B" backwards. You know,
emphysema the 'back' in our name."
-"Dude. That's awesome!"
"Why exactly do you dislike about Nickelback?"
What?! You were just choking on some anal beads.
"I'm like a cockroach —emphasis on "cock". I never die."
My aren't you clever. And why am I still talking to you? It's embarrassing enough having to come in here to feed an addiction, but now I have to converse with other addicts?
"You could always talk to the blowup dolls."
And moving on! "What do I dislike about Nickelback?" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Two words: music & lyrics.
Let's take their music first. Tis cookie-cutter crap. Take a good band, the best band: The Beatles. What makes them the best is that they first created some awesome pop rock. But THEN THEY GREW. And I'm not talking about the sudden growth in your pants when a woman has hers around her feet.
I'm talking "grew" in the spiritual/intelectual/musical sense. They didn't just stick with the "Hard Days Night" format to paint record after record gold. They grew. They took chances. They experimented.
"You mean like "girl on girl" experimentation?"
Dude, shut up. I'm trying to make a point.
"Sorry."
(So hot they turn the sky red)
The Beatles pushed the boundaries and made "ahead of their time" music. That's why they're the best, and why Nickelback is trash.
Moving right along: their lyrics.
From their moronically popular song, "Figured You Out":
I like your pants around your feet / I like the dirt that's on your knees / And I like the way you still say please / When you're looking up at me / You're like my favorite damn disease
And I love the places that we go / And I love the people that you know / And I love the way you can't say no / Too many long lines in a row / I love the powder on your nose.
"I love that song! What's so bad about it?"
Put it back in your pants, man. Let me build my case first.
"I don't have it out of my pants. Oh shit. Yes I do. My bad."
And then there's this lyrical gold that lead singer Chad Kroeger showers onto his fans. Tis from their song "Something In Your Mouth":
You're ripping up the dance floor honey
(you naughty woman)
You shake your ass around for everyone
(you're such a mover)
I love the way you dance with everybody
(the way you swing)
And tease them all by sucking on your thumb
You're so much cooler when you never pull it out
Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth
"I fucking love that song! Great guitar riff."
You're an idiot.
"So what's your problem with the lyrics?"
They're degrading to women. They objectify women. It fortifies a belief that women are only good for pleasuring the eyes and dicks of men. It teaches young men that this behavior is not only appropriate, but awesome! It is neither. It's terrible and what's worse is that people buy it. Now if you'll excuse me, these magazines aren't going to buy itself.
HOLY SHIT! "ANAL INTRUDERS, PART FUCK?!?! I love that movie! Great cinematography.
If you enjoyed this blahg post then help end eardrum oppression by signing said petition. Not sure if it'll help anything, but what's the harm in adding your name? A Change.org petition that gained over 306,000 signatures caused Bank Of America to reverse their decision to charge their customers $5 / month for using their debit cards. And then there's the 14,000 signatures a California man received on his Change.org petition that caused Bank Of America to halt the repossession of his home. How neat is that?
That's pretty neat!
