Save Money! Or Get Arrested Trying.

There’s a blog I occasionally read to make me feel bad about how I manage my money. It’s called The Simple Dollar and the guy who writes it is a machine. I had to unsubscribe from his mailing list because I would get at least two emails a day from him, both blogs he had written that day. He’s unstoppable and it makes me want to punch him and the ‘94 Plymouth Grand Voyager he got a great deal on. 

 
In honor of him and so many who have fallen on hard times, I thought I’d take a crack at a “money tips” blog. So here they are, 10 money saving tips that have helped me, an economically reckless yet occasionally pennywise bachelor who just so happens to find himself unemployed:

Tip #10: Stick around until the end of parties and look really cute and hungry and don’t kill anyone so they’ll give you the leftovers. Also, “forget” to give the Tupperware back.

Tip #9: Sleep a lot. The more you sleep the more you don’t have time to do stuff that would require spending money. “Hey do you want to go to a movie? Hey. Hey! Wake the fuck up! I want to go to a movie with you but you’re always fucking sleeping!” Leave a message at the pillow. Pillow!

Tip #8: Limit your diet to three meals, not per day, but for always. When there’s a rumbly in my tumbly I have a choice between: 1) a Turkey Sandwich 2) a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich and 3) A bowl or four of plain Cheerios with rice milk. I realize what you’re thinking: “Hey douche Satan, Rice Milk is gross and it costs over $3 for a half gallon. How is that economical?” First of all, thank you for getting my name right. Not many people take the time to—FUCK YOU! Second, I have a slight allergen to real milk and soymilk makes me gassy, so I don’t have much of a choice. Dude.

Tip #7: Cut out food from your diet that could be considered a luxury. Food like: cheese for your sandwich, lettuce for your sandwich, pickles, mayonnaise, and fresh bread for your sandwich, fruit or sugar to make the Cheerios a little less bland. Eliminate all essential nutrients and vitamins. Basically if it’s not bread, turkey, peanut butter, jelly, cheerios and rice milk, cut it out of your diet. You’ll save both money and time and time is money unless you’re unemployed like me. Then time is just something you divide into two categories: when to sleep (see #9) and when to masturbate.

Tip #6: FIX IT YOURSELF! Got a broken side mirror? Gorilla Glue + duct tape + cardboard = you looking like white trash driving your Buick around town because the glue dripped down the door and won’t come off no matter how hard you try so then you just covered it with black tape because you’re sick of getting strange looks. But that Goddamn side mirror won’t budge and Goddamn it you saved money!

Tip #5: Barter for everything. It never hurts to ask for a better price. For instance, I was at the check out in the grocery store one time. The overly pierced and totally rad cashier told me the price. I said, “Really? Really? That’s the price?” He laughed, pressed some buttons on his button pad and poof, my price dropped $2. It shocked me flaccid. Another: If you’re at a thrift store find something wrong with the item you’re purchasing. It could be a slight tear or a small stain. Whatever it is, once you point it out to them they’ll usually knock off a few dollars. “But that money usually goes to a charitable cause.” Are you reading this fucking blahg entry? I am a charitable cause. Last one: I was bartering with this homeless woman for her sleeping pad. I said “How about I give you $12 for it.” She scoffed at my offer and continued to snore. “Alright, how about $7 and don’t say anything if we got a deal.” What a steal! 

Tip #4: Get a good friend to cut your hair. This will save you at least $14 a month. My stylist has made a few appearances in this here blahg under the names of HotMom72 & Mr. Superdumbface. In this entry I shall call him Barf. I cherish the moments I have with Barf in the bathroom where he cuts my hair and I his. Granted, Barf is quite good at hitting most of the spots on his head and only needs me to look it over and clean it up here and there.

Tip #3: Put off things that you probably shouldn’t. Like taxes and preventative medicine and fixing the grinding sound your back brakes are making.

Tip #2: Don’t make a first date a dinner date. Tis a bad idea for a couple of reasons. 1) She/He may be so dumb that she/he takes you to an extremely expensive restaurant. 2) What if she/he is the super suck and you have to spend an entire meal with them? Also dumb. Instead, pick something fun and cheap to do like having her/him pick you up because your car is in the shop and then going on a multi-stop “adventure.” Possible Stop #1: The library where the two of you can take a romantic romp through the stacks of books so you can drop off your overdue copy of “Santa With Muscles.” Stop #2: That sweet little café so you can look for cheap housing on the community board. Stop #3: Head over to your mechanic’s shop so you can fulfill that fantasy of banging a first date in the back of your Buick. “Come on baby, it’s a Regal LIMITED.”

And my #1 Money Saving Tip: When a friend says they have a barely-used bed that they’d like to get rid of because it’s super uncomfortable, take it and sleep the shit out of it. Clarification: there is no shit in my bed nor have I ever shit the bed. It was just an expression so please refrain from sending mean emails. I have feelings. Just not in my lower back where the springs poke through.

Did you NOT enjoy this blahg? Then pass it along to your enemies while Mr. Burnsing your fingers. But if I managed to squeak a giggle out of your whore-shut mouth, then pass it along to your friends.