Because Tim is a man with a dream, to make music about what he loves: hookers. K, probably not hookers. Well, maybe. It's been a while. His current dream is to make an album about raising two boys with a beautiful wife in smoking hot Minnesota. Wait, two smoking hot boys— wait. His wife, she's the hot one. Minnesota isn't. His boys aren't either. Well, I mean they're cute. But not in a weird way.
Minnesota hot dish! Yeah, that's what I meant.
ANYWAY! All Tim wants is to serve up some melodic mind bombs for the noodles of the willing. But you need coin to make a studio album, coin he doesn't have, which is why he asked me to write "snarky" post asking my one or two readers if they'd help him out.
So I encourage you to donate on his Indiegogo page, and here's a list of reasons why you should:
1) His music is ahead of its time! So ahead of its time, I tell you, that I've already listened to his entire unwritten album and it sent me to the doctor for an erection lasting longer than 4 minutes. HOURS! I meant hours, douche.
2) He's got a pretty simple, non-controversial goal: making music he loves that will hopefully provide joy to its listeners. It's not like he wants to inspire a "Ripped from the headlines" Law & Order episode or to make love to four legged creatures.
3) His hidden track is about his true desire to make love to four legged creatures.
I moo!
Reason 4) The album will blow your balls off. Like, boom! Your balls? Gone. So do yourself a favor, do your balls a favor, and do this over populated world a favor, give this man money so he can blow tons of balls clean off. Don't have balls? Well, sorry. This project isn't for you.
5) I'm kidding! It'll grow you balls if you don't have them, then blows them right the fuck off! And guess what, if it makes you sad that you're not gonna be able to play with your new balls before they were blown off, that's what the pause button is for! Let his tasty licks grow you some balls, hit pause, play with the new balls, and when you realize you were better off without 'em because they're awkward, they itch a lot, and you sometimes sit on them, which is really fucking painful, press play. Boom. Ballz-b-gone.
6) Have I cleared up any remaining confusion related to testicle destruction?
7) You know what? Fuck you. I don't need your sarcasm.
8) What, you think I need to stick to proper list format? This is my fucking blahg!
Reason 9) Tim said something to me that I'll always remember. I was on the verge of a bipolar episode, something I didn't have a handle on back then. We were in the basement of the art building at our college and I mentioned how I wasn't feeling my best. He told me that I need to take care of three things: my mind, my body, and my penis. Now you may be thinking, "Brad, isn't the penis a part of the body?" Well, at that point mine wasn't. Kidding. I just can't remember the the third thing he said but just trust me that it was actually spot on and meant a lot to me at that point in my life.
Look, in all honesty, I don't know what his music will sound like. I don't even know if it will even compare to the 40+ revenge songs that Taylor Swift has written (I doubt it - just when you think she's used every possible way to express her now-unnecessary rage toward a boy who's slighted her, she comes up with something totally new!). But in all seriousness, what I do know is Tim is a really, really good guy who truly cares. He cares about being a great husband, a great father, and a great musician. So help him out. Donate $5, $20, or $20 here. He's just another person like you or me, chasing his something.
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