In The Hot Tub

"We're going to be gone for two months," the elderly couple said. "Do you want to house sit for us?"

I pondered this for a second. What are the benefits of house sitting this particular home?

1) Hot tub

Yup, I'll do it. Wait, you didn't even get to number two. I said I'll do it.

Yes, my friends, the house has a hot tub, and since I'm the only one in the house, "Whoops! Where did my clothes go?"

The gig isn't at all that bad. I have an entire house, a big one, to myself. I have the excruciatingly tough task of getting the mail and watering three plants. But don't get me wrong, even though that is extraordinarily taxing, there are a few perks:

1) Hot tub

You already said that, ass.

Yeah, well you know when a teacher would say something twice? It was so you would take note of it, write it down, and remember it for a test. There won't be a quiz on this blog entry, but if there was the answer would be:

1) Hot tub

Shut up.

O.K. Moving on:

2) Awesome Stereo System (that plays throughout the house)

3) Ping Pong Table

4) Wrap Around Porch with a

5) Grill

6) Massive Flat Screen TV (that I haven't even turned on, yet)

7) A living room spacious enough that you can pretend you're a rock star while singing into a remote control

8) Neighbors who can't hear you singing through the walls and therefore won't complain to the apartment manager which means you won't get a noise violation

My latest wish materialized in my mind tonight: to be a professional house sitter. Now normally people have typical wishes like, "I wish I was rich," or "I wish I had washboard abs" or "I wish my pillow was made of pancakes incase I got hungry during the night." But not me, I wish to be the person who everyone calls when they're going out of town. "Can you watch my house?" "Can you water my plants." "Can make sure my cat doesn't lose a few of its lives?" Yes, yes and probably.

House sitting is a dream. When's the last time you went to the bathroom with the door open?

...

Oh, I'm sorry. Had to use the bathroom. Where was I?

Hot tub!

No, guy. We're way past that.

Oh yeah. House sitting let's you live a life that you wouldn't normally live. For instance, maybe you don't have a huge flat screen TV. Maybe you're like me and you have a small TV, that you don't event watch and isn't even plugged in. Well now you have a TV that is plugged in, and is bigger than the windshield on your Buick. Or, maybe you don't have a grill. Well, friends, now you have the option of grilling a delicious, mouth watering brisket. You may be asking yourself "Who the fuck grills a brisket?" Well I do, now that I have a grill, bitches. And furthermore, maybe you wouldn't normally scream "I'm going to shit the toilet right now!" right before, well, you arrive at defecation station. I'm not saying I've ever done that, but now that I have a huge house all to myself, I just may.

So, in conclusiveness: house sitting equals awesome.

I swear to God I'm missing something.

Oh yeah, hottub!