The Young And The Restless

With my messed up work schedule (two 15-hr days in a row, followed by four days off, rinse, repeat) I have a lot of time to work out. On my every-single-day off, you can find me at a 24-Hour Fitness, working to eliminate my "little in the middle," applying for a license to carry guns, and simply becoming a healthier and more balanced being. Punching in and out of the gym so often allows me to observe many a thing about the people that sweat and go and what they’re trying to pass off as "Television" nowadays.

First off, the people. I don’t want this section to be a snarky, judgmental picture of the crowd I frequently see, so I’ll point out a few odd apples, including myself.

Enter gentleman in his gray-haired years. He sits on a bike and casually pedals, probably not even breaking a sweat. No one really takes notice of him. Wait a minute, here comes the laptop. Yes friends, gentleman with the too-tight shorts pulls out a laptop and checks his email. At the gym. On the stationary bike. Sure we’re impressed you know how to turn the thing on, but leave the internet surfing to when you’re not oscillating those veiny legs.

The next gentleman I heard before I saw. I thoroughly enjoyed watching and listening to him from my perch atop the StairMaster. If I was to play “One of these things is not like the other,” there would be much to point out. Yes his bald head was dripping with sweat and yes his veins were popping out of his massive arms, nothing out of the ordinary there. But his fashionable shirt and tight jeans stuck out. He was not in the standard cut off shirt and shorts that I see so many weightlifters wear. Secondly, he was using one of the machines wrong, standing instead of sitting. More leverage? No idea. Then came his Discovery Channel grunts. Now I’ve heard weight room grunts and I even grunt while lifting on occasion. But these were the loudest exhale expressions I’ve ever heard in a gym. This man was going above and beyond, even out grunting the male “talent” on the set of a porno. Oh, and I haven’t done a lot of research on how to get more out of your lifting experience, but I’m pretty sure slapping your muscles doesn’t help. I literally kept looking around to see if anybody else was watching this spectacle, but I guess the headphones were drowning out his, um, interesting antics.

And then there’s me. I admit, I’m not your typical gym-goer. In my hours of people watching I have yet to see another person who mouths the words to the songs they’re jamming to while working out. I guess it helps me stay focused on something other than the 11 minutes I have left on this fucking treadmill. And of course there’s the fact that I seem to loose my balance on at least one piece of cardio equipment for every trip to the gym. Near disasters seem to always be averted, however, but I’m sure I still look uncoordinated and goofy. At least it’s nothing I can’t shake off with a laugh or a smile at myself.

Let’s turn to the tube. A lot of times when I’m busting my ass at the gym, the television helps to keep my eyes off of the time, or that gorgeous brunette on the Eliptical. There are certain shows I prefer to keep me distracted. Sports = great. CNN = good. Soap Operas = big suck. They are soooooo bad. Absolute trash. I don’t understand how they still exist. I rue the day when the only machine that’s open is in front an episode of General Hospital. 

And there’s a trend with the advertisements interjected between the scripted trash. Commercials fall into two categories: make-up or laundry detergent. Sure there’s the random paper towel or yogurt commercial, but I swear every other one is for either L’Oreal or Tide. 

Because what does everyone do before they wash the whites? Lengthen those lashes, duh. I don’t know, maybe it’s Maybelline (corny!).

So working out has so many advantages: stress relief, endorphin release, and great people watching. If only ESPN had it’s own Soap Opera news show, then maybe everyone would win.