The "Missed Connections" section is easily my favorite part of Craigslist primarily because the posts nearly always come off as pathetic. The concept is this: it's a place for you to reconnect with someone from long ago that you miss or someone who you missed your chance to copulate with. Many of them are along the lines of "I saw you in the (name of store) on (name of street). We locked eyes and you seemed to dig my musk and stuff. We should bang in the back of my 1996 Buick Regal LIMITED." Alright, not all of them are like that. Only the ones I longingly write when I'm always. But can we get real? My all-time favorite Missed Connection: "You dropped your bible in church and I saw your thong." Gold.
de Fat Man
A few weekends ago I did the Tour de Fat with a couple of my besties (you know who you are, yes you do!). The Tour is an event put on by Colorado's own New Belgium Brewery (the makers of Fat Tire + many other delicious beers) that travels around the U.S. Participants dress in costume and ride their bike through the city with thousands of other riders. Estimates ranged from 4,000-1,000,000,000,000 riders. Along the 4-mile-or-so route I was inspired by both my friends and the atmosphere to write another fake CL post.
The first time I posted as a male looking for a woman (m4w). It was flagged for removal almost immediately, before I got any responses, which means that women looking for that Missed Connection take this shit very seriously. The men, however, were a little bit more gullible, and I snagged two responses (with photos!) before I got flagged. As usual, I've included a screen shot of the post, the text below it, and the image in the post. Below all that shiat is the responses I received.
sexy tour de fat man - w4m - 27 (denber)
u were sitting on a bike. pretty general, i know, but chill. im gettin there.
u were riding that bike like nobodys business w/ sum friends who were also riding bikes, wearing a get-up that made u look really funny, like sum1 who doesn't take themselves 2 seriously, which is hot. u had a pretty serious look on ur face a lot of the time, which I admit was a bit unsettling, almost like u were about to kill sum1. maybe that annoying friend? or maybe ur ride was going terribly. i'm not sure. not a mind reader here. then after the tour u may or may not have eaten some food &/or listened to music &/or killed sumbody. i realize thats a lot of "may or may not haves" but i didn't follow u around the rest of the day. i'm a little 2 busy and way 2 popular to b a creeper, thank u very much. plus, i was quite certain it wasn't my day to be murdered (and i was correct!).
anywho, if ur u, then u should respond to this and maybe we could, i donno, get all hot & sweaty together. or ride bikes. i like doing both.
AND THE RESPONSES!
It's the ";)" that really disturbs me:
First of all, don't you dare call me "Darln"! Secondly, you're an idiot. No one, and I mean no one, is allowed to ride a motorcycle in the tour.
And Game Over :(
Hipster Roadkill
Though this one has netted only one response and is still active, I thought I'd post it anyway so you people would stop calling me and begging me for another blahg post. It's really getting out of hand and yes I can't afford a body guard because I'm still unemployed so yes I've hired a cardboard cutout of Mr. T. Yeah, you're the pathetic ones.
peace
Though this one has netted only one response and is still active, I thought I'd post it anyway so you people would stop calling me and begging me for another blahg post. It's really getting out of hand and yes I can't afford a body guard because I'm still unemployed so yes I've hired a cardboard cutout of Mr. T. Yeah, you're the pathetic ones.
This brain burst was inspired when I was riding my bike and almost decimated a runner. I was in the wrong and instantly thought of the guy posting something along this vein. I tweaked a few specs and got this:
to the hipster I almost ran over - m4w - 36 (17th &
High St., Denver)
dear hipster chick I almost ran over at the corner of 17th
& high st. I'd appreciate an apology for all the proffanity you used. yes you couldve died but those words you used were hurtful and just plain mean. i
realize i couldve killed you but what about the part of my heart that you killed
with words like "idiot" and "repugnoid." not even sure what
that one means but i didn't like the context and your tone when you used it. if
your ready to own up to the pain youve cause, message me back here and tell me
what color fanny pack you were wearing
The response was from an admirer who thought I was funny. I'm not going to waste your time with the details, except to let you know I printed it off immediately and pasted it in my "You Brightened Someone's Day!" scrap book. Then I had a crygasm.
Psst. Down here? So you're a crygasmer? There's no need to be ashamed. And there's no need to cry about it. Seriously dude, get ahold of yourself. No, not like that, you sick fuck. Oh my God. Dude, you're cleaning that u— And you're crying again. Great. Well, make it up to me and pass this blahg post onto your crygasm support group. And seriously, clean that shit up.
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