The Bistro of Beast

Apologies for not getting this posted sooner. I've been a bit busy with my new restaurant. Surprised? Well, I can hardly blame you since you may remember reading about my incompetence in the bedroom—KITCHEN! Well, I'd be lying if I said I haven't had help from an old friend: the Beast. If you don't know him, read this before going any further. Then, if you're not too vomitty, you may give this a look-see. And if you don't want to go through the insane pain of reading 500+ words, the Beast is what I call the seemingly insatiable being that overtakes me when I smoke pot. 

Copy and pasted from www.rockymountainnews.com/restaurants/bistroofbeast

Dining Out: Bring your ravenous appetite, The Bistro of Beast will tame it

By Chet Willis

Rocky Mountain News

Denver’s newest delishitessen has been slaying the competition. The Bistro of Beast, located a few blocks from Coors Field on the corner of Broadway and Larimer, has been enjoying waves of popularity since opening in December. Its secret? We don’t know, and we're not alone. 

“I’m as shocked as anyone,” Brad, the owner, told the Rocky after a lunch rush last Thursday. “I basically put the menu together a couple days before we opened and about once a week—if I remember—I come up with new dishes, depending on what I have in my cupboards.”

Brad’s blasé attitude may just be the driving force behind why over three hundred people visit the Beast everyday, some waiting up to an hour to plop down in a beanbag.

“I’ve been coming here since late December,” said Pete Jenkins, who eats lunch and dinner at the Beast. “It’s always packed, but well worth the wait.” His favorite dish is the Peanut Butter, Jelly, and Corn Chips sandwich, which is served with a bowl of Cheerios.

Tasha, Pete’s wife, chimes in: “The service is crap, the food’s terrible and lacks variety, but we love it.” Her favorite dish is the Peanut Butter, Jelly and Cheerios sandwich, also served with a bowl of Cheerios.

Brad says his strategy “isn’t brain science”: he keeps the dishes simple and relies heavily on inexpensive ingredients.

“A lot of places use a ton of stuff for their dishes, sometimes more than 10 ingredients." He pauses to thank a group of business women for coming in. “Can you believe that? Ten! That’s f------ bonkers.”

His dishes are so simple that new customers often wonder why they even bothered eating out.

“At first glance of the menu,” wrote Sandi R. on the Beast’s Yelp.com page, “I was like, ‘Plate of Shredded Cheese?’ But my friends said it was amazing. And they were right. Best plate of cheese I’ve ever had.”

Certain dishes even include eating directions. “Bell Pepper Town,” for instance, isn't served with silverware because the raw green peppers are "to be eaten like apples.”

The Beast’s head chef, Louie Vitella, has a theory on why Brad has struck a note with Denver’s foodies. Vitella, who came to America from Italy in the 80s to work for a five-star in New York, is a veteran chef with almost 50 years under his large belt. “Brad is very passionate about his dishes,” said Louie with an accent as thick as the pasta he grew up on. “I mean, one minute he’ll be going on about metaphysics and robots, and then suddenly he'll break off mid-sentence and you can’t hear yourself think over the sound of crunching Popchips.” 

And that passion seems to be paying off. Not only is The Bistro of Beast destroying sales records, it has even won over the President of Colorado. Tomorrow Governor Hickenlooper—a former restaurant owner himself—will be awarding Brad and his staff of seven the coveted, “Best Business in Colorado.” The Governor's office did not reply as to why the yearly honor, usually awarded in December, is being given away in February. 

"Oh, yeah," Brad said when we asked him about it. "That is tomorrow." 

But like Brad's memory, not everything has run smoothly since the Beast’s self-titled “Mediocre Opening.”

“We’ve had a few hiccups,” he admits. “Sometimes Louie’ll finish an order and something’ll come over me and I'll black out. When I come to, I'm tied up in the freezer and my face is covered in Nutella."  

Louie shakes his head. “I used to have to tie him up in there four or five times a week. But I can’t even do that anymore because then the popsicles disappear and do you know how expensive licorice rope is?" 

The Bistro of Beast

Nearly-bare-pantry food with a redundant twist

2415 Larimer St. 303-555-5555 website to come (when he gets around to it)

**** I'm in love! 

Atmosphere: cozy space with random clothes strewn about

Service: friendly, knowledgable, inconsistent

Beverages: Rice milk, water, Orange Juice (occasionally)

Plates: Starters, $0.79-$1.60; salads, ha!; "entrees", $2.20-$5.78

Hours: Monday-Friday, Lunch: 11a.m.-2p.m., Snack: 3:07-3:52p.m., "Dinner": 5-10p.m., Late-
Night Snack: 11:37-11:38p.m. Saturday and Sunday hours are sporadic. Brad recommends calling to make sure they're serving other people. 

Details: street parking, visited twice

Our system of the stars: 

****: I'm in love!  

***: Does Planned Parenthood offer food baby abortions? Cuz I want more.  

**: Are you gonna finish that?

*: Haha! But seriously. Are you gonna finish that? Cuz I will totally eat the fuck out of it if 
you're not. So, hungry. 

Now do I have your attention? Read the original 

Beast blahg post here. And the second here.