Txts to an Asshole 3

Another installment of "Txts to an Asshole," a reoccurring thread documenting my adventures of fucking with people who randomly txt me. Click here to read the first, and here for the second. Also, here's a disclaimer to hopefully prevent the avalanche of hate mail: this thread was originally inspired by a great blog called "Emails from an Asshole." P.S. I've never gotten hate mail. Would love to get hate mail. So. Lonely.  


As you'll soon discover, this txt conversation happened quite a while ago, a couple weeks before Halloween of 2011, to be exact.  But I have chosen to hold onto it until now because I'm selfish. There. I said it. 



Her on 10/16/2011 @ 10:46pm: Hey guys, Its A**********! My party is this Saturday Oct 22! LET'S GET IN THE SPIRIT AND WEAR YOUR HALLOWEEN COUSTMES! If you havent gotten the invite on face book or havent RSVP's this is the time to do it! Rember its a *Double keager *600 jelloshots *two beer pong tables, *DJ QUEEF JONES! & his turn tables! *4/6 Bottles *Fog machines *black lights so bring your white! It's $4 at the door And $2 for close and friends and homies! UNDERSTAND! IF YOU DO NOT R SVP OR +1, +2, +3 etc FOR WHO YOU WANT TO BRING or YOUR NOT GETTING IN! If you rsvp +2 and bring 3 your third person is NOT GETTING IN!! Were doing this oone HUGE! I leave for cali the 27th SO WE GOT TO! Rsvp :)  <3

Clearly you don't need to be good at spelling to make 600 jelloshots. "COUSTMES," "keager," and "oone."


Me @ 10:49: Do I have to wear a costume? 
Her @ 11:00: Hey guys, Its A**********! My party... (same exact txt she had just sent me)
Me @ 11:05: I no, u sent it already. But do I have to wear a costume? Not sure if i'l have 1 by then
Her @ 11:26: You dont have to but it would be nice

The next night...


Me on 11/17 @ 7:57pm: What do u think I should wear? 
                                        Picking out a costume always makes me nervous, lol
Her @ 8:07: Idk im debating between a bee lol and a school girl lol
Me @ 9:00: School girl for sure
Her @ 9:03: Lol but bees are so cute
Me @ 9:45: Right? 
                    Ur call
Her @ 9:52: Lol yeah, i have tomorrow off if you wanna go buy one
Me @ 10:40pm: Can't. Busy tomorrow. 

I was totally busy and pissed that I didn't get to go shopping with her. It would've been M Azing!

Her @ 10:41: Aww well i hope you get a coustome soon , are you coming to the party

Still having problems with "coustome."


Me @ 10:44: Of course I'm coming
Her @ 10:45: Yay
Me @ 10:47: Woildnt miss it
                      Whoops!
Her @ 10:48: :)


Three days later...


Her on 10/20 @ 10:54pm: Hey guys! It's A********** Here is your heads up! Tomorrow at 2pm is the LAST! Time you can rsvp someone else or yourself! Again IF YOU HAVE A +4 and BRI NG 5! IM SORRY BUT YOUR FITH PERSON !!!WILL NOT GET IN!!! If you didnt rsvp yourself your NOT getting in! So make sure and RSVP :) And don't forget to w ear your coustomes! :) House rules will be sent out tomorrow before 2! DO NOT RSVP IF YOUR NOT COMING.. Thanks guys this is going to be great :)! 

"Costumes," not "coustomes." This is just frustrating. Try a mnemonic device like "Sex is better when you're dressed in a serial killer costume. Make a little fake blood with red food coloring and corn syrup. Put it on a blade, take off all your clothes,  and smear it all over your naked body. It doesn't Cost U or Me a lot of money. Costume."

The next day...

At this point, because the party sounds pretty badass and it would be a great capper to a great blahg entry, I convince a friend to go with me.

Me on 10/21 @ 5:41pm (past her 2pm deadline): Hey sorry for the late reply, but is it a biggie if I bring a friend? 
Her @ 5:44: noo ive been so busy i havent even made the list yet ill put you down as a +1

And now I try to figure out who she thinks I am. Unfortunately she doesn't take the bait :(  :(  :(  :(!!!!!!!!


Me @ 5:45: Yes! Thanks a bunch. Make sure you spell my name right :)
Her @ 5:46: Lol okay

The next day (Party day!)...

Her on 10/22 @ 11:24am: Hey guys! The house rules are pretty basic! They will be told at the door! If you don't know my adress ask! Cant wait to see you guys! Dont forget to we ar your halloween coustmes!

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!! "coustmes"!!!!!!! 

Me @ 11:27: Sweet! what costume did you decided on? Just so I know what to wear. And what's your address
Her @ 11:40: I'm going to be a school girl   3*** (her address)

Said party is about 30 mins away from my place in Denver, too far for my ridiculous friend (who doesn't want to be my naked serial killer victim). 

Four days later...

Me on 10/26 @ 1:17pm: Sorry I missed the party. J******* was being a douche. How'd it go? 
Her @ 1:43: Lol its okay.. it was good 
Me @ 1:49: Can we bang before you leave for Cali? 

NO RESPONSE!?!?!


To read the other "Txts to an Asshole," head to the corner of Fist and Balls where you'll meet a man in a yellow slicker. Show him your left breast. He'll give you an envelope. Do not open it until you are back in your car, and yes there will be people watching. Mainly the guy in the bushes who took some photos of your left breast and immediately posted them on this blahg. Me. I'm the guy taking the photos. Anyway, once you get in your car head— fuck it. Click 1, 2, and 4.