Thursday, May 31, 2012

Txts to an Asshole 4

Another installment of "Txts to an Asshole," a reoccurring thread documenting my adventures of messing with fools who have the audacity to send a txt message to the wrong number, my number. If you've missed the first three, shame on you. Seriously, what the fuck were you thinking? You weren't thinking? You're damn right you weren't thinking. Catch up here before I kick your sweet little ass: Txts to an Asshole 1, 2, and 3.  


Them on 2/29/2012 @ 10:49pm: Hey
Me on 3/1/2012 @ 7:42am: What up? 
Them @ 1:39pm: Nm u
Me @ 5:46: Sorry
            Was in the middle of push up contest
Them @ 5:47: That's right lol jk
Me: You think that's funny? 
Them: Wtf lol 
Me: I'll have you know I train super hard for this shit
           Its my life 
Them @ 5:48: No random lol
            Ok lol
Me @ 5:50: Alright, how about we do this, we hold our own contest
             We'll start doing push ups and the winner gets the other person's soul
Them @ 5:51: Alright
Me: GO! 
One week passes during which I have done a total of .5 pushups. 

Me on 3/8/2012 @ 2:02pm: Alright, where ya at? 
Them @ 2:05: My dick is about to go 12 inches deep in your ass hole

WOAH! I was not expecting that one. I had to wait on that one for a bit. Plus, I was a bit busy checking the depth of my ass. 

Me on 3/9/2012 @ 9:02am: There is no way you could get something that large in my asshole. I tried a piece of celery last week and that didn't even go. 
             AND it broke off, which was less than cool. So yeah, your exaggerated dick isn't 
             gonna work for me.
Them @ 11:25: Okay ill be right there
Me: I don't think you will be. I think you're gonna stand me up like every other guy who has promised to shove his dick in my ass hole. 
             Why can't I just meet a nice guy who won't stand me up for once? 
Them @ 12:53: Oh I stand you up and you will feel a poke from behind
Me @ 1:19: "Oh I stand you up"? Do you mean you "will" stand me up? Grammar please! 
             You sound like a cave man when you txt like that. 
Them @ 1:20: Ill stand you up
Me @ 1:24: It's just so hard to find a well-educated guy who has the decency to actually show up when he says he's going to put his pogo in my pooper
Them @ 1:26: Haha that really made me laugh lol 
Me @ 1:37: Well, I'm glad my continual rejection, my psychological pain from lack of anal pain is humorous to you.
             Jerk.
Them @ 1:40: Lol what ever


One is all you need. 




# 2 (a word from our sponsor)

Them on 4/16/2012 @ 10:19am: You have just won a free $1000 Walmart Gift Card, enter "CARD" at http://promodaygiveaway.com/walmart
Me @ 10:22: Two words: fuck, yes.
Question though, do I have to wear pants when I decide to spend it? I mean, I feel as though, as a winner, I'm entitled to shop how I wanna shop: Pantsless.
I mean seriously, now I'm big shit. I just won $1K to Walmart. Do you know how many ottomans that'll buy me? I'll never have to walk on the floor of my house
again. And -AND! I'll feel really tall. Which is important to me, being fairly short most of my life.
So yeah, can I let my goods breathe that stale air in? I'm pretty pale, which may brighten the store up a bit. It's always so damn dark in those places.
I guess that's fitting for a place that exploits 3rd-world and 1st-world workers. But what about 2nd-world countries? It's like, "Walmart. Why ya gotta hate?"
You think 2nd-worlders don't like to be exploited?" Well, you're right. They don't like it. BUT! Walmart could be the store that changes that.
Butt, I digress. Me, naked from the waist down, perusing the "fine" jewelry or conservative-themed book section, think about it. Hard. Think average long and hard about it.


Hey, your words are hurtful. 
But can I come over when you get the ottomans set up? 



# 3

Them on 3/17/2012 @ 8:52pm: Hey is this kaitlyn ******?

Are you fucking kidding me? Of course it is. 

Me @ 8:53: Hey! 
          How are you? 
Them @ 8:54: What's up hah ya roll through! :)
          I'm good how're you lol are you coming over? 
Me @ 8:58: Ye bua got deap che
Them @ 8:59: What? 
Me @ 9:00: Lol! Haha I meant
          Ye bua got deap che
Them @ 9:01: What haha are u comin down to my place? 
Me @ 9:01: Yes
Them @ 9:02: Okay lol
Me @ 9:06: When? 
Them @ 9:08: Now lol
Me @ 9:08: hahahahhaa I'll be there in like 5 mins
Them @ 9:09: Word haha
           Make sure you have somethin to carry or hide it in lol
Me @ 9:09: My belly
           Ill look prego n sneak it in
Them @ 9:11: There's a cop
Me @ 9:19: I'm sorry? 
           What?
           Then we'll be at Applebees.
Them @ 9:23: Wheres that at lol
Me @ 9:25: So I got this txt earlier
           It said 'send me a pic of ur nipples'
           Fuk that
Them @ 9:55: Hey were going to my friends house that lives down here
Me @ 9:56: Imma crash @ Applebees
Them @ 9:57: Word ha
Me @ 9:57: Butt seriously, we should gett brekfast
Them @ 10:00: I'm good lol
Me @ 10:01: New it
           Send me a pic of ur nipples


Brad, please. 
(What popped up when I typed 
"Ye bua got deap che" into Google Images)

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