Yeah? Well your face is a shitty hat!
My fifth installment of "Txts to an Asshole," a play-by-play retelling of interactions I have with the unfortunates who randomly text message me. Why do I do this? One part boredom and two parts indigestion ("Who wants tacos," he said.). Catch the other episodes here: 1, 2, 3, and 4. Note: names in this edition have been changed so I don't hurt Gavin, Alex, Cresten, and Kaitlin's feelings.
Them on 4/21/2012 @ 1:24pm: Hey what's up its Glavin
Glavin @ 5:50pm: How's Shemalex?
Me @ 6:11pm: He's a little busy right now.
Glavin @ 6:22: Ok well I hope he knows it's not Crustends fault
Me @ 7:44: Really?! It's not Crustends fault? How's that?
Glavin: Because he didn't know that his dad called the cops or anything
Me @ 7:57: That's bullshit and we got screwed
Glavin: No I swear I was there the whole time... Didn't you chill with him last night?
Is he gonna have to go back to Ohio?
Me: I totally chilled with him
Probably
The whole thing is fucked
Glavin @ 8:01: Damn that sucks
Me: Yeah what evs
Shit happens
Glavin: Yeah but that shouldn't have ya know
Me: What I want to know is what happens from here?
Glavin: Yeah these situations suck because no one knows what's gonna happen
Me: What do you think is gonna happen?
Glavin: Well what felony was he charged with?
Me: PCS (Possession of a Controlled Substance) and then they tagged him with Interference I guess
Glavin: What did he do to get interference?
Me: I don't know it's a bullshit charge they throw on everyone
Glavin: Probably because of the drugs... But hopefully he just gets community service and probation
Me @ 8:15: he wants me to rape him so he can prepare for jail
Glavin: The rape in jail well definetely(sic) be different... Hopefully he doesn't get jail time... It really helps that it's only his first offense
Me: Yeah that's what I keep telling him, but he keeps insisting that I rape him
It's kinda weird
Glavin: Is he scared or is he messing around?
Me: He's not messing
he keeps trying to make me shove a shampoo bottle up his ass
You need to come over and help me out with him
Glavin: Is he crying and like freaking out?
I will if you need me to
Me @ 8:25: Yes. He's fucking nuts dude.
He says it's better to have two people hold the shampoo bottle when you shove it in
Glavin: You are at his grandmas?
He want me to come over(sic)?
Me: Yeah
Glavin: Wait was that a yeah to both questions?
Me: Sorry I get really bad service
Yeah to both
Glavin @ 8:34pm: Alright I'll be over in like ten minutes
Me: Alex is saying we're gonna pretend like we didn't know you were coming over
Cuz he doesn't want his grandma to get freaked
Glavin: Ok I'm not gonna get kicked out am I?
Me: No you're good
Glavin: Ok... You guys gonna come outside?
Me: No man, he's literally flipping out. He can't be outside.
Glavin: Ok well can you come let me in
Me @ 8:45: Knock once and I'll come let you in
Seriously man
He's crazy
Glavin @ 8:46: Ok
What
Here
Me @ 8:55: You coming?
Glavin @ 9:00: Ya I'm at his house with Shemalex
Me: No you're not
Are you fucking with me?
Glavin: This is Skatelin right?
Me: No
My name's Brad
Glavin: You were fucking with me?
Me: Yes
Glavin @ 9:09: Cool dude
Newman!
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